j. Eating Disorders (blog 10): Recovery (5) Spirituality

'Spirituality' is a part of your recovery. And it's also a wonderful foundation for you to build a happy and healthy life - whether you have an eating disorder (ED) or not.

Note that 'spirituality' does not necessarily mean 'religion'.  The two overlap - but they are not the same thing.  Spirituality is broader and harder to define - although I will explain the difference early in this blog.

And, before you run away, thinking that you might be in for a long boring sermon from me - you're not!  There will be no sermon.  I'm spiritual - without being religious.  However, many of my friends are religious - and that is fine too.  That is their path to spirituality. You will find what feels right for you - when the time is right.  Little steps again.  For now - I hope that you can find the time to simply read this blog and have an open mind.  This is your recovery we are working towards.  This is an important step to health for you - mentally and physically.

So, my discussion of 'spirituality' will be fun and interesting for you, I hope. Some might even call some concepts and stories 'spooky' or 'mystical'.  Others would say they're life-changing and wonderful.   Well, I would say the latter.  Spirituality did change my life - and it was a part of my own recovery, without relapse, from ED's many years ago. It has also helped me to stay strong, and support my daughter, when she was very ill with an ED.


How will spirituality help you to recover from an ED? 

Spirituality promotes:  trust in a 'higher power' (whatever you imagine that to be); a more positive disposition; greater resilience; self-forgiveness; self-forgetfulness (outward focus - rather than introspective worry and sadness); a sense of peace and certainty; hope; optimism; kindness; compassion (to yourself and others); gratitude for all that you have - rather than envy of others and misery about what is lacking in your life; and a reduction in depression and anxiety.

It will also bring meaning and purpose to your life. You'll get to see the 'bigger picture' of life - and, in doing this, the problems that previously felt 'overwhelming' will seem small and easily managed. You'll understand the journey of life and the wisdom that you accumulate through overcoming adversity and living. A difficult journey, at times, for all of us travelling in life beside you.

Is it hard for you to believe that 'spirituality can improve the quality of your life so much?  Well, it can.  And this is becoming increasingly appreciated in 21st century.

In the majority of Medical schools in the UK and the US (Australia is still in the discussion phase of change currently) - 'spirituality' studies are now part of the curriculum for future doctors.

This inclusion of spirituality, as a part of health care, is based on the results of many studies  which have shown that people who are religious and/or spiritual have better health: social, physical and mental.

One review, for example, published in the journal Explore, in 2011, found that people who identified as having a strong religious and spiritual life enjoyed an 18% reduction in mortality.

A study of Seventh-day Adventists backs this up. It found that men live, on average, 8.9 years longer than the national average, in Australia, while women live 3.6 years longer. For both sexes the chance of dying from cancer or heart disease is reduced by up to 66%.

Programs with a strong spiritual component, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), show that spiritual practices may be especially effective for drug and alcohol addiction.  The regular practice of prayer and meditation is strongly associated with recovery and abstinence from drugs.

The results from several studies indicate that people with strong religious and spiritual beliefs heal faster from surgery, are less anxious and depressed, have lower blood pressure, and cope better with chronic illnesses.

Also, some public schools are also beginning to see 'spirituality' as an important part of the education curriculum for healthy and happy children.

For example, in Australia, a document was released in April 2015, by the NSW Department of Education and Communities - 'Wellbeing framework for school'. The document encourages schools to consider the wellbeing of their students holistically, including fostering what it calls "spiritual wellbeing'. It says:

"Spiritual wellbeing relates to our sense of meaning and purpose.  It can include our connection to culture, religion or community and includes the beliefs, values and ethics we hold."

So, spirituality is not simply the stereotypical idea of: 'New-age 1960's love-children' dancing about in orange kaftans and living in communes.'  Although, for some people, that might be what they want to do.  For most it isn't.  Spirituality has become 'mainstream' in the 21st century.

For most people, spirituality is something which can be easily and enjoyably integrated into one's lifestyle, with or without religion, with huge benefits physically and mentally.  It's also free. 
So, in this blog we'll discuss a few different ways to develop your spirituality and, with that, your recovery from an ED without relapse; and a happy and healthy life as well.

Let me explain, firstly, what the concept of 'spirituality' means.


'Spirituality' defined:

As I've said, religion and spirituality are not the same thing - although they over lap.  Spirituality is broader and harder to define.

Religion is a specific set of organised beliefs and practices, usually shared by a community or a group.

Spirituality is more of an individual practice and has to do with having a sense of peace and purpose.  It also relates to the process of developing beliefs around the meaning of life and connection to others.


Another way to more clearly define spirituality is this:

If our lives were a story of fiction we would write two separate story-lines ('plots'), which our main character would experience: An 'external' plot and an 'internal' plot.  Some people would call these plot lines 'journeys'. So, we have 'external' journeys, and 'internal' journeys.  Spirituality is the internal journey.

I'll use the plot (external and internal) from the movie 'Groundhog Day' to demonstrate.  (It's a great movie if you haven't seen it).

i. External plot line: 

This relates to the stuff which happens in our lives.  It is the situations in which we find ourselves - and how we act - and then how the world reacts back to us.

For example. The Groundhog Day movie:
The main character, Phil,  finds himself stuck in a time-warp.  He cannot move forward in time from a single day: Groundhog Day.  He also can't leave the small town, which has been cut off by a blizzard: The roads are closed, and the phone lines are down. So Phil is stuck, in a single day, for many months - possibly years (the movie isn't clear on this).  But, he's stuck for ages! He tries many things to get out of this situation, but every time he fails - until the very end of the movie.

ii.  Internal plot (spirituality):

This relates to how we change, as people on the 'inside' - as a result of the experiences we have in life (good and bad). This is the wisdom we may or may not gain through our lives.  Our 'internal' , or 'spiritual', journey. 

For example. The Groundhog Day movie:
Phil begins his journey, in the movie, as a  'jerk'.  In fact, that is what he calls himself - a 'jerk': He's selfish, shallow, narcissistic, miserable, lonely, and stuck in a job which he tolerates but doesn't enjoy much. He is also not aware of how truly miserable he is (typical of most fiction stories) - or what he is missing out on in his life.

Yet, as the events in the story 'kick him about' - and he grows emotionally from these awful - and wonderful - experiences.  This is the 'internal plot'.  His 'spiritual'  journey.

If Phil had remained the same shallow and selfish character at the end of the movie - it wouldn't have been nearly as satisfying.

The dramatic events of stories change the characters within them - hopefully for the better.  This is what life does to us, as well. This is our 'spiritual journey'. Life can be really hard and awful sometimes.  It can also be wonderful and amazing at other times.  But, we grow and change as a result of these life experiences. We can accumulate wisdom, and with that we can find happiness and health.

In the Groundhog day story this happens to Phil.  He grows, from his experiences, on the inside.  That is his internal journey - or spiritual growth.  He learns to enjoy his life, and feel grateful for what he has. He becomes humble, loving, patient, helpful, compassionate and content. Spoiler Alert: He also wins the girl, and becomes a great piano player!


So, the 'internal' changes in us, during our lives, is what our 'spirituality' is about.  It's an internal journey - beyond the events which we live through (the external journey).

A quote from Helen Keller (an American author, political activist, and lecturer, and the first deaf/blind person to earn a bachelor of arts degree):

" Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be learned."

I agree with that.  She was a wise woman who overcame her own suffering to live a wonderful and inspiring life.


Someone once said to me: 

'Spirituality sounds like hippy stuff from the 1960's.  If you want something "bigger than yourself" just look up at the night sky. It doesn't get any bigger than that.'

My answer was this: 
'Actually, it gets incredibly bigger than that!

Even without spirituality, research in physics suggests that there are multiple universes, multiple dimensions, and even time is a variable. And, looking smaller, single atoms are made up of particles tinier than we ever imagined.

In this 'bigger picture' - the sky above us becomes less than the keyhole on the door of the largest university ever known.  You see only the keyhole - the sky above you - and call that magnificent. You have no idea of the magnitude beyond that.

Still, 'spirituality' will tell you that, in this massive whole, you remain vital. You are infinitely important and a wonderful part of the whole. It doesn't make you 'perfect'.  But spirituality allows you to be 'human' and learn.  Mistakes are a part of life. They are integral to our learning.  And, during really difficult times, our learning is accelerated.  And, that is a large part of what living is about - for all of us.'


In the area of physics, famous physicist Albert Einstein said this:

"Everyone who is seriously involved in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that a spirit is manifest in the laws of the universe - a spirit vastly superior to that of man, and one in the face of which we, with our modest powers, must feel humble."

And, as a medical doctor myself, with 26 years experience - treating tens of thousands of patients - walking beside them through their most awful experiences, and their most wonderful experiences - I am also convinced of a "spirit vastly superior to that of man", as Einstein puts it. I have have so many medical cases and experiences, in my life, which support this.  (I'll list a few at the end of this blog).

So spirituality is something which can change how you live your life - and how you cope.  You don't have to understand it completely, or agree with it right now; maybe, during a hard time in the future, or as you recover from the ED, you may revisit these words and reconsider the idea again.

But, before I go on to discuss methods to find spirituality in your life, I will write the lovely words of Martin Luther King Junior - which could apply to spirituality and recovery from dark times in our lives:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate
only love can do that."

Spirituality will bring light and love into your life - and much more than that as well.  The darkness and the self-hate of ED's can be remedied, in part, by introducing a spiritual foundation to your daily life. To lead you out of the dark misery of an ED - into a healthy and happy life with others.  You may not realise it, but other kind people are waiting for you - in your life path ahead.  That is a lovely thing that I found, once I escaped the cold loneliness of my ED:  Lovely friends; and my wonderful soulmate - my husband, David.


How to develop your own spirituality:

Firstly, you'll need to set aside some time for yourself everyday. And, yes - you do have time to do that!  You could make the time by getting out of bed a little earlier, or by watching a little less television. Even 10 − 15 minutes each day will be enough.  Although 20 − 30  minutes would be even better. However, you could build up into this.  Little steps again. 

Spirituality is something which requires you to slow down and be 'in the moment' for a period of time on a regular basis. The point of power is always in the present moment.  That is your goal: To be in the moment:  Not worried about tomorrow, or sad about yesterday.  

So, find some silence - and be as present as you can with everything around you and within you.

And, don't run away from being alone. It is often the only time that you can truly rest - and restore your energy and balance in life. Also, know that you are never completely alone. Other people, other souls, are travelling a journey in life  similar to you.  But, you'll need to disconnect, for a while, from your screens.  Leave yourself nothing to do - but exist in the present - for a little while. Know that beneath the thoughts and rush - is a vast ocean of peace, quiet, answers, and wellbeing.

There are many ways that you can find spirituality in your life: free, available anytime, easy to do, and they won't take you long.  You could use a combination of methods, if you like. Trial and error is a good way to see what works best for you.


In your reflective 'now-time' you could try some of the following activities:

a. Listen to music:  Uplifting music (nothing too 'thrashing' and 'depressing') can feel like it touches your soul.  You might even sing along and think about the lyrics.  Sometimes the words of a song can express ideas and feelings which you'd thought only you understood.  Yet, here they are; written by someone else. Understood by another person.  And, with that, it can feel like a hand has reached out from the music and taken your hand; connected you to other people who are struggling - and experiencing life - like you.

Lyrics are like the poems of the modern day: They can teach, inspire, validate our feelings and experiences, and connect us with other people. And that is something spiritual.

b. Write in a journal:  Spirituality can mean finding answers within yourself.  Journaling is another contemplative practice which can help you to listen to your deeper thoughts and feelings.

Studies have shown that writing during difficult times may help you to find meaning in the problems you face, and help you to become more resilient.   You can try to view events that occur in your life as an opportunity to learn - rather than something to feel sorry for yourself about.  The narrative that you create to explain events - in the bigger picture of your life - can help you to cope and grow. This is a form of spirituality: your inner journey.

Quote from Anne Frank:

"I can shrug off everything if I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn."


c. Meditate:  Meditation can induce feelings of calm clear-headedness, as well as improve concentration and attention. Mindfulness meditation, especially, has been proven helpful for people with depression and anxiety, as well as a number of other chronic illnesses.

There are many courses and books and tapes and CD's teaching meditation.  A basic level of meditation is all that's needed to feel the positive effects.  Also, it's not an Olympic sport.  You don't have to be 'great' at it. It is a time of peaceful mindfulness.  A time to step out of all the worry and rush ... and reflect.

The aim of meditation is simply to exist with the sensations, thoughts, and emotions that arise without trying to control them or change them.  Just observe them, in a detached way, and be still. Set yourself a time limit, and don't get up until that time is up.  You might start with 5 minutes, and build up to 20 − 30 minutes gradually.  When you get better at meditating - the experience becomes almost 'timeless'.  Like sleeping.  It will feel like you only just started 5 minutes ago - but 30 minutes will have passed.

(I have included a simple 'mindfulness meditation' to practice, or start with - if you like - at the end of this blog).

d. Pray: Prayer can elicit a sense of relaxation, along with feelings of hope, gratitude, and compassion - all of which have a positive effect on overall wellbeing.  There are several types of prayer, many are based in the belief of in a higher power that has some level of influence over your life.  The belief can provide a sense of comfort and support in difficult times.

e. Practice yoga: This is a centuries old spiritual practice that aims to create a sense of union - between body and soul - through physical postures, ethical behaviours, and breath expansion. The regular practice of yoga has been found to reduce stress, depression, and anxiety; lower blood pressure; and increase feelings of wellbeing.


f.  Read books about spirituality and inspiration:  This is how I became more spiritual. Although, my Catholic upbringing had introduced some ideas about a higher power and souls.  Most book shops have a 'spiritual' section.  This does not mean religion.  I will discuss the way that I became more spiritual, just as an example, later in this blog.

g. Religion:  For some people, spirituality can best be found, and expressed, in an organised religious setting.  If this suits you, then you may develop your spirituality by jointing a church group, a youth group, or other religious group/gathering. 

You could search on-line, look in the phone book, talk to people you know, or walk around your local suburbs and see what community religious centres/churches are available.  You could use a combination of these methods - and finish up by reading about the different religious groups on-line.  That way you could have an idea about whether it would be worth having a look.  If it doesn't suit you - then at least you could cross that idea off your list. 

Alternatively, you could read about your 'religion-of-choice', without attending any church or group.  Practicing your faith through books and private worship/prayer might better suit you.

h. Walks in a natural setting: Feeling at one with the natural world around you - trees, plants, animals, the ocean, rivers, lakes, the open sky above - alone or with other people - can help you to connect with the world, and feel part of a greater whole.  You'll also be able to have some time where you can exist 'in the moment'. And, in this way, you are experiencing a form of meditation. Walking and listening to the birds, and the wind in the trees, and the lapping of waves on the shore - can be a sort of mediation. 

Studies support the importance of getting back to nature: They have shown that taking walks in a natural setting (gardens, parks, forests) can reduce depression; increase our feelings of connectedness to the world and other people; and even make us more caring and ready to share with others.

Research has also shown that when we experience a sense of awe (when admiring a lovely scene) - our perception of time slows down by bringing us into the present moment - and this further enhances our wellbeing.

If you are unable to go outdoors - improvise:  You might ask someone to bring you a bunch of flowers - and you could palpate the soft velvety petals, inhale the gentle fragrance, and marvel at the colours; you could open a window - and feel a soft breeze wash over you, shut your eyes and enjoy the sunshine warming your skin, and watch the pink light from under closed lids,  and listen to the sounds of birds and people in the distance or out in the garden. Nature is always around you somewhere.

(I've written a few blogs about lovely trips into the beautiful bush land and gardens around Adelaide with my family - where I've tried to capture the beauty and vitality of the outdoors.  For example:  Leisure time blog.)

i.  Help others: Studies have shown that helping other people is beneficial to our health and wellbeing:  It can improve our mood, self-esteem, and happiness; reduce our stress; connect us socially to others, distract us from our own problems (allowing us to become less introspective, and providing us with a sense of perspective); engage us in meaningful activities, and improve our skills.

The help you offer can be as small or large as you like:  Smiling at someone, saying something kind or supportive, giving away your seat on a bus to an elderly person or a pregnant woman, helping in a community garden or in an animal shelter.  These activities are all valuable ways to help others. You'll be contributing to a nicer society, and a happier and more connected version of yourself.

Quote:  Mother Teresa:

"Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you. Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."

j. Live healthier:  Taking care of your physical health will complement your spiritual health.  You might smoke less (ideally stop - but little steps), drink less alcohol, eat more vegetables and fruit, take some regular exercise (not to lose weight - but to strengthen your bones, and improve your heart and your brain), get enough sleep (although not too much).  Moderation is the key.  Any improvements that you make to your general health - are steps in the right direction. 

A healthier body will reward you with more energy, less illnesses, less aches and pains (especially as you age), and more self respect.  Respecting your body is a part of the respect that you develop for yourself: body, mind and soul.


So spirituality comes down to:

Living in the moment - at least for some time during the day

Loving and respecting yourself, others, and I would say, something greater than yourself.  In this way you will feel an important part to a larger whole - which you can work to discover more about - by looking 'within' especially (during meditation or quiet walks) - but also by reading, and discussing the concepts with other people.  That will give you something to discuss - away from numbers and calories and misery.  A fascinating topic as well:  The meaning of life.

Spirituality is being able to see beyond just material things and 'appearances'.  It's learning to use our five senses - touch, hearing, smell, taste, and vision - to fully feel the world around us - and more positively interpret the world, and what it all means - from inside ourselves - with more love, calm, reflection, quiet, and peace.


I've read that one way to view spirituality is this: 

The world around us can be viewed as a volatile, difficult, and constantly changing ocean in which we struggle to stay afloat.  In this wild sea, our 'souls' are the safe and secure vessel in which we exist. The deep ocean around us may rage and roar - but within ourselves - where our soul exists - our 'internal' world is calm and safe and unchanging (although we may grow in wisdom). 

When life becomes difficult, or just when we need to rest and restore our energy and our positive mood - this calm and peaceful internal world waits for us.  Always. The pathway into this restorative place - is any one of the spiritual activities discussed.

The first step, however, is simply to become aware that such a place exists.


Don't accept that your life can only exist as it is now.  Allow yourself to open your mind to possibilities of things you've never thought about, or never tried. An open-mind is a very scientific approach to life. Nothing is 'impossible' if it has not been 'proved' to be impossible.  So anything is possible.  Physics is a great example of this.  Imagine the people from 500 years ago being told tales of life in the 21st century.  I think the scientists would have believed the stories - because they would have understood that anything is possible - until proven otherwise.

For now, at least consider the possibility of developing a calm and nurturing spiritual place for yourself in your life.  A place you can find love and self-respect and happiness and peace.




A few little 'spiritual' stories in my own life:


These are a few short examples of spirituality in my life.  Some people would call them 'spooky' stories.  I just think that many of us have experienced similar types of 'happenings' in our lives - where we know that we've been helped - but we don't know by whom or how that happened. 

I think that we probably have 'guardian angels' watching and helping us. Other people may have other views about how we're helped and looked after.  I think, however, spiritual people just accept that we are not all alone; we are always loved and helped - somehow. 

I've also read that it may help to actually ask for help - when you need it:  Prayer, maybe.  I don't think that the prayer needs to be to any particular deity.

Also, I don't think that just because you pray - all of your problems will be solved and fixed.  Some problems and difficult times serve to teach us things:  love, compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, helping. 

Furthermore, I think that we are not only meant to learn how to give these things (to ourselves as well) ; but, we are meant to learn how to accept these things from other people, also:

Let other people love us and help us; and we can love and take good care of ourselves as well.


Let me give a few examples of my own:


1.  Many years ago, when I was 18 years old, and still living at home with my abusive parents, and my younger brother, I found myself slumped on the carpet, of my bedroom, crying after another round of verbal abuse from my parents.

My older sister had been taken away, and put into a foster home, some years earlier - because she persisted in running away from our violent household.  My younger brother made sure that he stayed away from the house as much as possible - so I rarely saw him. He mostly hung out with his friends, or stayed down at the university, studying Engineering in the library. 

Also, he had a bedroom separate from the main house. So, he rarely was in the centre of any major traumas. Unlike, me.  I lived in the main house, I rarely fought back, and I became my parent's punching bag - physically, verbally and emotionally. They also frequently attacked each other, and, as a result of this, the police were often being called to our house.  Even on Christmas day.  Although, eventually I reported my father's violence to the police - and I took him to court where I got a restraining order against him.  That meant that if he hit me again - he risked going to jail.

I'd made the decision, when I began university, to continue to live with my parents - so that I could finish my Medical degree - without the need to have a full-time job to pay for my living expenses.  I'm not sure that I made the right decision.  But as a teenager, it was the decision that I made.

So, on this day, when I was 18, I was crying and sitting alone on the floor of my bedroom - thinking about the situation of my life: 

'No-one in the world loves me', I thought. 

It wasn't a self-pitying thought.  It was a fact.  I had one friend - Jenny.  She had been my best friend since we were 12 years old.  We studied at high-school together. We studied Medicine together. We worked in a weekend job together (at a nursing home). And, we are still best friends to this day. 

But, other than having my friend, Jenny, my siblings were distant and gone;  my parents told me almost daily how much they hated me; I had one elderly aunt - who didn't like me much (when she died she left everything she owned - even her house - to my older sister), no cousins, no uncles … No-one who loved me. 

In the entire world - only one person cared about me at all.  One friend. Now, I see that my friend loved me.  But, at that time, my friend had a loving family, and - compared to her 'wonderful life - my life was lonely and violent and unloving.

As I sat alone: cold, crying, and thinking that no-one in the world loved me - I felt a firm 'arm' around my back.  I can still feel the sensation now, 30 years later.  It felt like an arm holding me.  As if someone was sitting to the left of me, and holding my right upper arm with a gentle but supportive hand. 

Then, as I became aware of this 'touch' sensation around me, I heard a voice.  It was not a quiet voice.  It wasn't a whisper or indistinct. It was the voice of a woman: gentle, kind, but confident and strong.  And, it felt like the  'woman' was sitting next to me - just talking to me - with her arm around my shoulders supporting me. The words spoken were short - but clear.  They did not answer my thought about no-one loving me.  They said something quite separate.  The female voice told me:

 "It won't always be like this.  It will get better."

And that was it.  The words were so clear - and so kind and strong.  The 'arm' around my shoulders felt gentle but firm.  The voice didn't say God loves me.  It didn't need to.  I felt love.  It's like I knew that I was loved in that embrace and with the sweet voice that spoke to me.  Kind and supportive and nurturing. I stopped crying - and I thought about what I heard. I was stunned more than shocked.  I wasn't religious and I wasn't expecting anything like that.  Not an answer, nor a comment, to my sad thought! But, it did remind me that I wasn't alone.  I never felt alone after that.

And nothing like that ever happened again in my life.  I don't really understand why it happened then.  Maybe I was more in need of support than I realised.  Maybe I would have quit medicine without it.  But if I did that - I would never have met my lovely husband - who is my soul mate.  I wouldn't have practiced medicine - and I love helping people.  I think that is my path, and my passion, in life. 

I don't know why it happened.  But it remains one of the most memorable and lovely experiences of my life.


                  *                             *                            *


2.  Fifteen years ago, my childhood friend, Jenny, moved back to her hometown, Adelaide, from a country town on the Eyre Peninsular - where she had been working as a country doctor for many years. 

Her husband travelled alone, in his sedan, earlier in the day of the big move, along with the removal trucks which carried all of their household goods.  Jenny travelled later, in her white station-wagon, with their two young sons - then aged four and two.

During the trip back to Adelaide, while still on the Eyre Peninsular, Jenny encountered a huge dust-storm on the freeway.  Clouds of dirt billowed into the sky - reducing visibility on the road to only few meters.  The other cars had turned on their head lights - but still the blackness consumed everything.

Suddenly, Jenny became aware of a massive pile-up of crashed cars ahead.  She tried to brake, but before she could even begin to slow down, her car was thrown into the mess of broken glass and twisted metal as another vehicle smashed into her rear.  Her car crumpled like an aluminium can - and became wedged front and back.

Jenny had been a doctor for many years - and she knew that she needed to get herself, and her young boys, off the road.  Away from the danger.  Massive semi-trailers continued to charge into the blackness of the dust-storm. Some of the other brave drivers were  risking their own lives to stand on the road - with torches - waving down the trucks:  Warning them of the danger ahead, and protecting the cars and the people in their path.

As Jenny pulled at the rear door of her broken car, trying to get her boys out - and off the road - she became aware that the door wouldn't open.  The frame of the car had become so twisted and distorted that the door wouldn't budge.  She couldn't leave her boys.  Trucks thundered passed her as she pulled and wondered what she could do next. 

Panic began to set in, when all of a sudden, out from the dust, a strong male arm moved Jenny's own hand aside. It gripped the door handle and, in one strong jerk, it pulled the door open. Jenny turned to say thank you to the stranger - but he was walking back to his own car behind hers.  So, she grabbed her boys - and she ran with them to safety.

Jenny is not one to ever worry much -  but she told me later, as she narrated the story to me over coffee numerous times, that she felt very close to death that day.  She said that she felt that she so nearly died with her boys.

Four years passed and Jenny and I continued to meet for coffee every fortnight. The car accident was, by then, almost forgotten, and it was no longer a subject which we ever discussed. However, on this day, we would discuss the accident another time.  For there had been far more to the story than we had realised.

Jenny comes from a religious and musical family.  Her father is an engineer, but he is also a talented singer and a gifted musician.  Over the years he has written a number of religious musicals, which he has performed - with his wife, and some members from his local church - at different parishes around the state of South Australia. 

On this occasion, Jenny's parents had travelled to the Eyre peninsular for a final performance of their last musical concert.  They were getting older and they had decided that  this would be their very last concert.

After the concerts, it had become a tradition that some of the parishioners, from the host churches, would provide a nice supper and have a chat with Jenny's parents, and the other performers of the concerts.  And that is how Jenny's mother came to have a fascinating conversation with a man who had inadvertently met Jenny once before - when he had changed the course of her life.

 The discussion, at the post-concert supper, had begun when someone in the group had suggested that they should all tell how or why they had become religious. Different people gave their different reasons, and finally it came to be the turn of a large, middle-aged man who was wearing a police uniform.  He had a weathered face, and a serious countenance.  He told his story:

'I became religious', he began,' four years ago, this September.  I had never been religious before that. Didn't give it any thought.  I was an alcoholic - back then.  I was lonely and my drink was a way for me to relax. Unwind.  My job as a police-officer is stressful, and I used to think that I needed alcohol to cope.'  

He looked around at the supportive faces watching him; patiently listening.  He continued, 'I would drive around drunk most of the time.  I was still hungover from the night before.  I'd speed too.  My reflexes were pretty shot. Then, one day, I heard a voice.  A man's voice … in my patrol car.  While I'm driving.  The voice … it was clear as day.  It said, "Stop drinking today!" I thought I'd imagined it.  So, I ignored it.  Then again, actually twice more, the same voice … but louder … it said, "Stop drinking! Today!"

He paused to reflect on the experience.  'So I did' he said.  'I stopped drinking that day!  I thought either this voice is in my head - and I'm sicker from the booze than I realise.  Or, this voice is real.  And, for some reason I need to stop drinking, now.  Either way, it was a good reason to stop drinking.  So, I did. And I've not had a single drink of alcohol since that day.'

'Anyway' he said, 'three days later, after I heard the voice, and after I'd stopped drinking - I could feel my reflexes improving; I could slam my foot on the break faster than before.  And I noticed that I was driving more slowly too.  Then, while  I was driving up the freeway,  there was this all-mighty dust storm - with a massive car pile-up happening in it.

But, it was because I wasn't drunk - that I didn't kill the woman in the car ahead of me. I still slammed into her car. I couldn't prevent that. But, if I'd been drunk … I'd have been driving faster ... my reflexes ... not as good. She would have died that day … and I would have died too.

The car I hit was a white station wagon … and this blonde woman - a young woman - she was trying to get her young kids out from the back seat - but her rear door was buckled and she couldn't open it.  Semi's were flying by her.  She couldn't open the door - so I walked over … and I pulled the door open for her.  She got her sons out.  Little boys. And she got them off the freeway.

And, after that, I found religion.'  He finished - and looked about at the silent faces taking in all that he said.

Jenny's mother was the first one to break the silence: 'That young blonde woman - was my daughter - and my grandsons,' she said softly.

Jenny and I sat in silence, over our morning coffee. We let the magnitude of the story settle in our heads.  And the amazing fact that Jenny's mother had met this man!  What's the odds that any of us would find out how close we came to dying.  Jenny never got to thank the man.  But, her mother thanked him at that supper.  

Jenny's religious, I'm spiritual rather than religious - but we share a common belief in 'a higher power beyond just ourselves.' So neither of us was completely 'blown away' by the story.  However, it does make us wonder how many 'coincidences' - which lead to wonderful outcomes, or saved lives - are actually mere coincidences or 'luck'.

Some people say that there are no 'co-incidences' in life.  I wonder.


I can't explain these types of 'coincidences' or 'lucky' survival stories.  So many of them I see - in my work on the front-line of life and death.  Yet, other sad stories I hear about.  Young deaths. 

                                                                                                                                     My own spiritual journey which began six years ago - after the death of my close friend.  At the time, I had great trouble getting over the 'unfairness' of her early death.  I felt overwhelmingly sad, and guilty - for still being alive when she wasn't - after watching her dying - with a terminal brain tumor -  over the previous year. 

Six months after she had died - I couldn't stop myself from crying whenever I thought about her.  And, I thought about her everyday - and many nights as well. I knew the medical term for what I had: 'Pathological grieving'.  After six months - I knew that I should be moving past the grief - and getting back into the game of life. So, realising that I needed help to recover from her death, I had, at time, decided to book myself in to see a psychologist for grief-counselling. I knew that I needed help. 

Soon after I had decided to see a counsellor,  I found myself waiting at the back of a bookshop for my older daughter to buy a novel.  She had not yet developed anorexia nervosa.  That was to start 12 months later - when she turned 13. She was taking what seemed like forever to choose a novel.

As I waited, I absent-mindedly picked up a book off a shelf next to my arm.  I looked at the cover. It was a spiritual book written by a Psychiatrist from Miami, Dr. Brian Weiss. The title of the book was 'Many Lives. Many Masters'.  The cover said it was a New York Times best seller.

If I had been paying attention, and if I wasn't bored waiting for my daughter,  I would never have picked up the book. I am not religious, and I was not particularly spiritual back then, either. So, it was even stranger when I found myself buying the paperback.  I remember, at the time, looking around to see if anyone noticed me purchasing such a 'weird, new-age' book.  I felt a bit embarrassed to be buying it. I saw myself, then, as solely a person of science.  A medical doctor and a sensible mother of four.  Not a hippy 1960's 'flower-child'. However, for some reason, I bought it and, in that one weekend, I read it all.  That is also strange for me.  Normally I take forever to finish a book.

But, on finishing the book,  I was completely cured.  Just like that.  My pathological grieving was gone.  I understood that we all live and we all die.  Our paths are different, in life, and they vary in duration.  We help each other, during our lives, and we learn from each other.  And our soul survives before and after our birth and our death. That is life.

I have never grieved for my friend again.  I remember her often.  Yet, fortunately, I only seem to recall her when she was well.  When we'd sit in the sun and talk and laugh.  When she walked across the road to share a cup of tea with me.  In fact, when I moved house last year, I found some of the tea-bags she kept at my house.  The brand she loved most.  I'll never forget her.  But the lessons I learned from her death - helped me to cope for the three years when my eldest daughter suffered with anorexia.  I prayed to my friend - if you call talking to her about my dear daughter - praying.  And I prayed to God (whatever God is) to keep my daughter safe and to help keep me strong - for my daughter , and my family, and for me. And, I never felt alone through it all.

This reminds me of a quote I read once:

'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.'

Life is not easy - but we learn from the hard times. We learn wisdom:  Love, compassion, helping, tolerance, forgiveness,  patience … and even about the meaning of life.  This is what spirituality is about:

A safehaven of peace and calm within us - when all about is a wild confusing storm.


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                               A Guided Mindfulness meditation

I promised that I would include a meditation guide at the end of this blog.  Although there are many different meditations.  This is just one:  Mindfulness meditation.

Some meditations are very simple ones - which you could do in the car - at the red lights over a few seconds; others you could do at your work desk  - over a few minutes, others might be for a time when you're home and you have less distractions and time pressures.

So, here is just one, as an example:


This guided mindfulness meditation pertains to mindfulness of breath.
Bringing awareness to your breath helps in detaching yourself from the incessant thoughts and emotions running through your mind.
Basics first
    •    Record these instructions in your own voice or ask someone you trust to read them to
    •    you while you meditate. Do it at a slow pace
       
    •    Take a long pause (10-15 seconds) between two paragraphs
        
    •    Begin by sitting in your normal meditation posture - preferably cross legged on the floor, and if that's difficult, sit on a chair with your back and your shoulders straight
       
    •    Alternatively, you could lie down on the floor , but you run the risk of dozing off
       
    •    Take a few deep breaths and calm your body and mind
       
    •    Close your eyes
       
    •    Listen to the directions and follow them 
          
Guided mindfulness meditation script:
 
    1.    Take a long and deep breath into your abdomen and let it fall as you exhale. Continue breathing from your abdomen, and not from your chest.
    2.    Breathe naturally. Do not force yourself into any set pace or rhythm. Whatever the nature of the breath, accept it as it is.
    3.    Scan your body from head to toe and notice any tightness or soreness in any muscle or tissue of the body.
    4.    Breathe into the tightness and soften it. Breathe and let go, so that all the soreness dissolves.
    5.    Become mindful of the movement of breath in the body. Notice the sensations in the abdomen or in the chest, or in both, while breathing.
    6.    Do not be concerned if sounds, emotions, thoughts or past experiences pull your attention away from the breath. Acknowledge their presence, let them be, and let them pass away.
    7.    Without struggling, gently bring your focus back to the breath.  
    8.    Now notice the entire process of the breath - beginning, middle and end of the rising movement and the beginning, middle and end of the falling movement.
    9.    If focusing on the breath leads to claustrophobia or other problems, divert attention from the breath to bodily sensations.
    10.    Meet and greet the experience of breath in an open and accepting manner. In the now.
    11.    One breath. Right here. Right now. Just one breath. Rising… and falling. Rising… and falling.
    12.    If your mind travels to the future or past, notice it as 'thinking,' 'thinking' or 'remembering,' 'remembering,' and bring your mind back to the now. Here and Now. Here and Now. Rising and falling. Rising and falling.
    13.    Rest in the awareness.
    14.    Choose to carry the mindfulness of breath into your daily activities.
    15.    When you are ready, open your eyes and arise.  




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