d. Parenthood: The 'easy' years.

When are the 'easy' parenting years?  

Never. That's the short answer.

I was having coffee with an old friend last night after work.  I went to her place and her two little boys, aged four and two, were climbing all over her while we drank tea and ate the delicious orange cake she'd cooked - still warm from the oven.

We've been friends for many years - since we met at university as teenagers. My friend has since then become a Professor, won awards for her medical research, become the head of her medical department in a large tertiary hospital, and she has shouldered the responsibilities and work-load of the role of President  in numerous different committees and organisations. She also speaks four languages and she cycles in long-distance marathons! (I'm exhausted just thinking about all that). 

She's a dynamo and also a dear, sweet, and kind person who constantly puts other people, especially her patients, ahead of herself.

Her latest 'job', however,  has been 'motherhood'.  She entered this field of work a little later than many of her friends - in her early forties. And initially she threw herself into the role with the same determination and energy that she brought to her other career roles:  organisation, determination, hard work, vision, and a plan.

Very quickly - within weeks in fact - her 'organisation' and  'planning' fell apart.  She quickly learned that working with children (and animals they say) is very hard and unpredictable.  Children do what they want.  They get sick when they do. They don't follow plans.  Not anyones.  Trying to 'organise' them is like trying to 'organise' the wind or the ocean.  And,  speaking of oceans, you can often  feel like you're drowning in one. Struggling to stay afloat.

But, you've got to learn to swim.  And, as mothers, we all do.  Eventually.

We eventually learn to 'go with the flow'.  Which is like following other paths in our lives.  We stop fighting and struggling. We stop trying to 'control' situations and our children - because we can't.  We learn to work with them.  Adapt. Choose our battles.  We also learn that very few things really matter in life. Spilled milk - or cordial or cake  - isn't worth crying over. 

My friend has been a mother now for almost five years.  Like the rest of us mothers, she has learned to put her career second to her family.  She has adjusted her work and her work-load to fit around her children and their schedules. She has now left most of the committees she was on.  And she's fine with that.

Actually, I read once a  description of what it is to be a mother:  The 'burnt chop phenomenon' :
This refers to the fact that if, as mothers, we were cooking tea and we burn one of the chops - we would give the burnt one to ourselves. We just do.  We don't want any applause for that.  We just want to look after our families - and if that means we eat the burnt chop, we go without food if there's not enough, we give our time to our children and take whatever is left at the end - then we do.

My friend sat drinking tea while her two little boys spilled toys and DVD's and crumbs over the floor and over her lap and she hardly noticed.  She was a picture of calm - although there have been many challenging times she has struggled through, and adjustments she has made to her life and her mindset - to get to this point. But she got there.  And she's sailing along quite contentedly now.

My old friend is also a great Mum.  I know this because her little boys love her so much.  They kissed and hugged her so many times, while we sat chatting, and they did the same to me.  They are secure and loving and happy and they have beautiful manners.  What more could a mother want?

I know that Motherhood is probably the toughest and most challenging 'job' my friend has ever had. it certainly has been for me.  The 'hard times' never end - although they're balanced out by the even more frequent 'wonderful times'. 

One tip I'd give any new Mums: do try to make time for yourself. Put yourself on your own 'to-do' list somewhere.  Occasionally pamper yourself. Motherhood is a challenging marathon - with no first prizes.  You don't have to be perfect. If you're happy your children will more likely be happy.  They can sense when a mother is stressed and sad.

So pace yourself and know it's a tough 'gig' for all or us. But the rewards are wonderful.  Love - for your children and from them- would top that list I think.