Tara sat watching the logs crackle and blaze in the hearth. The flames leapt and played; their golden light dancing about the small sitting-room. As she sat in an old, worn arm-chair, a peaceful sadness swept over her. For, at that moment, she had made a decision. A regretful decision which would destroy her long-held dreams. Yet, it was a decision that Tara knew she must make - and accept.
For as long as Tara could remember she had dreamed of becoming a wife and mother. Unlike her childhood friends, who had grand ideas about brilliant and exciting careers and travel, Tara's plans for her future had been quite simple: a pretty house set in a lovely garden with a white picket-fence; a handsome and loving husband; two or three children; and all of the things that being a wife and a mother would entail. And that was it. For Tara, that was more than enough to make her life happy and complete.
Over the years, during her youth, Tara had imagined endless details of this life: the children's birthday parties; the parent-teacher nights; the meals she would prepare for her family. So many things … she had envisaged. So many things … that she felt so sure would come into her life.
She had even planned, in her imaginings, the ages at which she hoped she would reach different milestones along this pathway in her future. She had hoped to be married by 24, a mother by 28, and, by the age of 35, she assumed that she would be well established within this life.
By her mid 30's, Tara thought her little garden would be mature and filled with colour and beauty. She saw the garden surrounded by a quaint, white picket-fence - within which her children would play happily. The fence would wrap up the whole package, of this idyllic lifestyle, like a ribbon around a beautifully wrapped gift.
Yet, as the years passed and the birthday miles-stones, of Tara's dreams, came and went with none of her plans eventuating, she had begun to lose hope that her future would be anything like she had hoped.
One by one her women friends met and married wonderful men. One by one her friends started their own families. One by one her friends acquired the life that she had wanted so much. Yet, for Tara, it remained a life out of her reach … sadly elusive.
Gradually, her friends became less and less available for outings with Tara, as their children and their family commitments consumed more of their free time. The group of women friends Tara had in her youth dwindled, through her 20's and early 30's, until, finally, at the age of 34, Tara was the only one still single. The only one alone. The only one deeply lonely - a prisoner of her involutary solitude. Bitter disappointment enveloped her and, with time, an aching sadness began to pull her down into a world which was bleak and cold and dark. She could feel herself becoming depressed.
So, on this night, as she sat before the fire in her worn chair, she realised that, for the sake of her own sanity, she must cut all ties with her old hopes and dreams. She must stop torturing herself with the heavy weight of expectations these dreams pressed down onto her - crushing any chance for happiness from her soul. She realised that she must allow herself to follow whatever path her life was destined for. Start afresh. No preconceptions. No expectations. Allow fate to sweep her up, like a leaf in the wind, and take her where it would. An idea both frightening and exciting.
As Tara continued to watch the flames, she imagined that she saw her old taunting dreams burning and turning to smoke and escaping away from her life - out into the world through the chimney. Gone forever. An idea that was, for her, both a relief and sad.
At this time, she thought, as well, about her 35th birthday - only two weeks away. She decided that she would allow herself to make just two plans for her immediate future: firstly, she would spend the money that she had saved for her wedding and a house deposit, on a lavish 35th birthday party at a posh hotel with all of her friends invited. Secondly, she would take her long service leave and travel for six weeks to Nepal. There she would climb the Himalayan mountain range. Specifically, she would trek to the base camp of Mount Everest.
She would start her new life and her new destiny, whatever that would be, with a bang, she thought. She would create some fun.
Tara hauled her weary body out of the armchair. It was late and she was tired. Her rented maisonette was still and silent, apart from the relentless ticking of the clock on the mantle. Time never stands still, she observed. She traipsed from the sitting-room to her cold bedroom. She had found no immediate joy in the decisions that she had made that night. Her decisions had simply been necessary.
Over the next couple of weeks, when Tara wasn't working in her nursing job, she was arranging her 35th birthday party and booking her single passage to Nepal - as well as arranging for the 'Mount Everest base camp' trek.
Time passed and soon it was the night of her grand 35th birthday party. A Saturday night. For Tara this was the final nail in the coffin of her old dreams. A sort of wake for the hopes she had held for her future - now gone from her life. Try as she might - she could not completely shake the sadness she felt. She checked her appearance in the mirror before she left. Slim, black silk, knee-length dress. Pearls. Her long blond hair pulled up in a chignon. Olive skin. Sad brown eyes. She forced a smile.
Defiantly, she lifted her chin and promised herself that she would have a wonderful birthday party. She would force herself to enjoy it! She knew that she had so much in her life to be thankful for. She would be thankful! Damn it! This would be a great birthday and her trip to Nepal, in only two more weeks, would be equally wonderful. She would climb the Himalayan mountain range. The mountain was like a central metaphor for her life now, she thought, for the challenges and adventures that she would face in her future. A life alone. A life with new goals. She had no idea what those goals would be. But, there would be goals! Lots of them! And fun! And two cats! And then … well after that she didn't know.
Arriving at the restaurant, Tara was greeted at the door by a couple of her girlfriends. The young women hugged each other and proceeded over to the large table for 20 - which Tara had booked. Most of her friends had already arrived and a chorus of ' Happy birthday, Tara' was called out by the seated guests. Her friends were mostly women colleagues from the hospital. Other, more sedate diners in the expensive restaurant, looked toward the table of rowdy revellers - bemused and somewhat disapproving of the noise.
Soon a small jazz ensemble began to play: pianio, electric guitar, saxophone and drums. Tara, and a few of her friends, moved onto the dance floor, which sat adjacent to the band. The dance floor was small. It was situated at the front of the large dining-room, surrounded by tables and other diners. The music was sedate and soothing. The lighting was muted, and the atmosphere was enchanting. Tara let herself float away, as she swayed to the music. She felt the music capture her and touch her soul. As she danced she felt one with the music and she felt she was gone … in that moment … somewhere beautiful and peaceful. Music was, for Tara, one of her great passions and joys.
As she danced, Tara became suddenly aware of a firm hand on her shoulder. She opened her eyes with a start. She returned, from her trance-like state, with a rush, into the room and into the world again.
Tara saw that the owner of the hand was a handsome young man. He appeared to be in his late 30's, and he had a kind and cheerful looking face. He looked down into her eyes. His own eyes were a lovely chocolate brown; they were warm, laughing eyes. His hair was dark and his skin was tanned. He smiled at her. 'I'm Dan,' he said. His voice was deep and pleasant. ' Could I dance with you?' Tara felt like she was waking from a dream. She stood watching him for a moment longer. This wasn't how she'd planned the night. She didn't plan to dance with anyone. Certainly not a tall, dark and handsome stranger. She planned that tonight she would be preparing for her new life of solitude. She had planned very little for her new life … except that … and her trip to Nepal. She felt confused. Her future had been decided… hadn't it? It was a future … alone.
She heard herself answer him. 'OK,' she said. 'I'm Tara.'
'Hello, Tara,' he said and smiled at her. 'I'm very glad to meet you.' He then took her in his strong arms and skilfully moved her around the dance floor with him. Their bodies were locked together - warm and safe and lovely. He was a good dancer. With his direction they moved together as a single unit - with the music.
'Is it your birthday?' he asked, as he moved slightly away from her, so that he could look down into her face. He was still close enough, however, for her feel the warmth of his breath on her cheek. 'I noticed your friends giving you presents and talking about your birthday' he added.
'Yes,' Tara replied. 'It's my 35th birthday. My friends and I are having a night out for it.'
'Well, happy birthday, Tara. I'm 37, so I can say from experience - 35 is a very nice age. I think you'll enjoy it.' She laughed and again he pulled her close, and together the music swept them somewhere else. Somewhere … wonderful. The remainder of the evening passed so quickly, for Tara, in a blur of happiness and conversation and dancing.
Finally, as Tara's friends said their farewells and left, Tara found herself alone at her table with Dan. The restaurant empoyees had cleared all of the tables. The jazz band had long ago gone home. The lights were now being flicked off and on, in the tradition of restaurants and cafes, to advise lingering customers that they needed to go home. Tara felt like Cinderella at the ball. She needed to leave but she had had the most wonderful night of her life… with such a lovely man. She felt like she had met her soul mate. Such a lovely friend. They had found that they had so much in common, and conversation felt so easy together. They shared a similar sense of humor. They had similar interests. He also seemed kind.
'I want to see you again,' Dan said as he got up reluctantly from his chair and picked up his jacket.'
'I'd like that,' Tara said. 'Although, I've booked a trip to Nepal and I'll be leaving in two weeks. I'm treking in the Himalaya mountains and I'll be gone for 6 weeks.' Tara watched Dan anxiously, to see how he might react to this. She wondered if he might change his mind about seeing her again. She wondered if he might think that she did this sort of thing all the time: irresponsibly squandering all of her money on travelling overseas - even in her 30's. Actually, she thought, I did just irresponsibly squander all of my money on travelling overseas - in my 30's. Maybe, he would think that she should be more responsible at this age.
He was quiet for a short while. He seemed to be considering the situation. Finally, he replied. 'Are you travelling with anyone else?'
'No, I'm just going alone.'
'Would you like company?'
Tara felt confused. What was he asking? Surely, he wasn't asking to join her? She'd only just met him. He had a job - so how could he just leave for a 6 weeks holiday. Also, she hardly knew him. But then again, she thought, she didn't know anyone else on the trip, either. And what about her plans to start her life alone! What game was fate playing at? Another hope … to be dashed and trampled in the mud like all the other times? Just when she'd finally got the courage to let go of her futile dreams, for a husband and family, and commit to a different life for her future. A life alone …
However, she considered her new motto: Let fate carry me along for a while. Stop planning. Stop over-thinking things. I am a leaf, she reminded herself. Fate is the wind. I will allow myself to be carried by fate for a while …
'Yes!' she heard herself respond. She let her heart talk. She told her head, with all of its logical arguments, to be quiet, for once.
'Great!' he said. 'I'm an engineer and I've just finished a large project at work - so I could arrange that amount of time off work. The timing is perfect for me, actually. I feel like I need a holiday right now. Also, I'd love to get to know you better. Climbing mountains would be a fun way to do that!'
Tara squealed with delight and hugged him. Maybe that wasn't a very sophisticated and cool thing to do. But, what the heck, she thought. He hugged her back and kissed her on the cheek.
Two weeks later, Tara and her new travelling companion and friend, Dan, travelled to Nepal together. They had a wonderful time and never once ran out of things to talk about. They both agreed that it was the best holiday either of them had ever had in their lives. The young couple returned to Australia six weeks later … in love.
Within six months Dan proposed marriage to Tara. He asked her while they were on a walk in the hills, around Adelaide. It was a lovely Autumn day. Dan and Tara had just stopped for a picnic lunch on a shady patch of grass, set among the glorious amber-red leaves of a vineyard on a hill-side - with views over the city and, beyond that, out to the sliver of silvery ocean in the distance on the horizon.
Dan got down onto one knee. He pulled from his pocket a small leather box and extracted from it a beautiful diamond solitaire ring. Holding the ring in his fingers, he looked up into Tara's eyes, and said, 'I love you Tara. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?'
Tara felt her head spin. She was shocked. Confused. She looked down at this wonderful man kneeling before her. This man with whom she always felt that she was home, safe, loved - wherever they were in the world, or in their lives. This man she loved with all of her heart and soul. 'Yes,' she replied. Tears in her eyes.
Dan carefully put the ring onto her left third finger. He stood up and, gently holding her soft chin in his hand, he kissed her lips. He then took her in his arms and embraced her.
Tara smiled. The moment was magical. Wonderful. To her own amazement, she realised, as she looked at her beautiful ring on her finger, and she felt the warmth of Dan's body against hers as he held her close, she had never imagined this scene. She'd never imagined a man proposing to her. Yet, this moment was so much better than anything she could have dreamed.
Two years passed and Tara found herself again preparing for a birthday celebration in a fancy restaurant. This time she was turning 37 and she was being accompanied by her lovely husband, Dan. She checked her reflection in the mirror before she left. Slim, black silk knee-length dress. Pearls. Her long blond hair pulled up in a chignon. Olive skin. Joyful brown eyes. She felt so happy and content in her life now. How different was this moment, she thought, than two years earlier, when she had looked into the same mirror before leaving for her 35th birthday party. How sad she had been then.
'Hurry up,' Dan called from the lounge room of their new house. Their own home. The papers and financing had all been finalised a few months earlier. It was a pretty home, sitting in a lovely garden … with a white picket fence. 'The baby sitter's here,' he called out. 'We have to go, Tara'
'I'm coming, dear,' Tara replied. She smiled as she thought about her lovely family - Dan and baby Josh. She wondered what other surprises her life path would present to her. She decided to trust that things would somehow work out. Even if not exactly the way she planned or expected. She would leave tomorrow until tomorrow. She would let her life unfold as it would. She now realised that while some things can be planned, other things just happen. And sometimes that was a good thing. Right now, however, Tara was exactly where she wanted to be. She was happy in her life.
The End
This story was based on a true story of a friend and colleague of mine. The names have been changed, however.
My friend and colleague is a nurse in a large public Hospital in Adelaide. She had always hoped to get married and have children. However, when her 35th birthday finally arrived - and she had still not found a partner with whom she could settle down - she decided to finally give up her dreams of a husband and children of her own.
She had saved money, over many years, for the deposit on a house and for a wedding. But, when she decided to give up her dreams, for a family of her own, she decided that she would spend all of the money on two things. Firstly, she arranged a lavish birthday party for herself and her friends in an expensive hotel in Adelaide. Secondly, she booked a trip to Nepal, which she planned to take alone, where she would climb to the 'Mount Everest base camp'.
At her 35th birthday bash, however, in the posh restaurant, she got talking with a handsome man, also in his mid 30's, at the next table. He was not one of her own invited guests. She'd never met him before. She and this man found that they had so many things in common and they talked all night together. The attraction between them was mutual and strong and, when my nursing friend told him about her impending trip to Nepal, he asked if he could travel with her. He was so taken by her - that he didn't want to be without her for couple of months.
The young couple travelled to Nepal, and, while on the trip, on a beautiful mountain, at dawn, he proposed to her. He bought her a diamond ring from Tiffany's, Paris, and soon afterwards they were married.
The couple went on to have a couple of children and they are still very happily married. They are soul mates.
It was so strange that, just as this nursing friend of mine had given up all of her dreams for marriage and children - which for her had meant so much (she even had a 'glory-box' filled with towels and sheets and things for her married life, plus she'd saved, over the years for the wedding and house - deposit) - fate just turned everything upside down again for her, and within 1 year of her 35th birthday party she was married and expecting her first child.
She is a lovely and sweet person for whom all of her friends and colleagues were thrilled that things had worked out for her as they did. It was amusing, though, in that just when she'd given up her dreams for a husband and children and she'd blown all of her money on a party and holiday - all of her dreams came back into her life - uninvited - and it all worked out better than she could have ever imagined.
She is a now great mum. She has a lovely husband. Her dreams just didn't happen in the time frame that she had planned and expected. They happened when the time was right - I suppose.
* * *
My life certainly took a different path to the one I thought I would have. I saw myself as a serious, academic specialist paediatrician. Now - I'm not a serious, academic specialist paediatrician! But I am so glad my life took the different path from the one I'd planned. My life is now better than any life I could have dreamed of. I can see that now. I fought against the life I have now - for a number of years. I tried desperately to force myself to be someone I wasn't . Then … I stopped fighting. I realised that I was making my life harder than it needed to be. I was struggling against the current. I decided, instead, to go with the flow … and life just worked out.
Not as I planned … but better.
As the Chinese say: be careful what you wish for. Sometimes we don't know what will truely make us happy.
I hope everyone has a nice week - and, at least for some of the time, try living in the moment and not over-thinking things. Take the path less travelled.
* * *
Actually, last thing this week - is a poem. A lovely idea about not planning things too much and being mindful of the paths we take … and the paths we don't take. Sometimes, I think, fate directs us to the paths that are right for us. Even if that is not clear to us at first.
The Road Not taken
(a poem by Robert frost (1874-1963))
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
What paths do we take - which change for us the whole direction and experiences we have in our lives.
* * *
Have a lovely week. Maybe try something new … and do something spontaneous - without too much thought about all of the consequences (as long as it's safe, of course). See where that path may lead. An interesting idea. What have you to lose? What might you gain? Maybe a different path home. Maybe a different coffee shop. Maybe a little conversation with the cafeteria lady at work …
I would rather have tried and failed, in my life, than, on my death bed, regret the things that I never tried at all. I have found that I have gained wonderful experiences, by trying new things, or I have gained wisdom, or, sometimes I have gained both.
Even Einstein said: Insanity is doing the same things over and over - but expecting a different outcome.
Maybe, it depends on whether you really want a different outcome.
Maybe, it depends on whether you really want a different outcome.
* * *
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