Short story from my blog - Parenthood and (some of) its challenges

                                                              Rainbows



Ellen sat on the floor as she watched her baby son, Tommy,  playing with his toys on the lounge room carpet.


Ellen was tall and slim with long dark hair which she wore up in a messy ponytail most of the time.  Her standard form of dress these days was  skinny blue jeans, a sloppy red wind-cheater and white sneakers.  And this is what she wore now.  She dressed for comfort.

Tommy was a happy and healthy  boy, ten months old with silky blond hair.  He was sitting amongst a pile of  cars and blocks and trains and numerous other colourful plastic toys.   His chubby arms waved about wildly as he played.  He laughed and squealed with delight and, at frequent intervals, he would look over to his mother with his large blue eyes framed by long dark  lashes and he would smile at her.

Ellen felt a strong sense of happiness and love for this child.  She loved him so much that it sometimes scared her.  He was her primary reason to live.  The most important thing in her life.

Tommy crawled over to his mother and put his soft pudgy arms about her neck.  He climbed over her legs and into her lap.  His soft wispy hair brushed her cheek and his delicate little hands held onto her nose and her mouth before pulling on  her hair.

He'd recently learned to say 'ma ma' and he now repeated the word in his high pitch babbling style.

She kissed his cheek and held him close.


Ellen's gaze moved around the room in which she sat, and her happiness leached away... as it usually did when she considered the situation of her life.


Ellen was 19 years old and lived alone in a rented one bedroom flat.  The room was icy cold as she rarely had enough money for food - let alone heating.

Grimy white paint peeled from the walls and flaked off the ceiling.  A dirty brown couch with  torn and ragged fabric stood in a dark corner of the room.   She'd found it on the side of the road six months earlier and her friends had helped her to bring it home.  Before that she'd had only fold-up plastic chairs. On a blue upturned plastic box in another corner sat an old television.  Other than that the small room was empty.

The house felt as desolate to Ellen as the rest of her life did.

Tommy was a little campfire in the wilderness that was her existence.  He was her one source of warmth and light.

Ellen hardly remembered her own mother.  She'd blown in and out of her life, as she grew up, like a piece of litter scattering unpredictably in the wind.

Her mother  couldn't cope with being a mother.  So she'd just left.  She returned occasionally if it suited her.

Ellen's maternal grandmother, Carla, had raised her.  It had been just the two of them but together they had been a happy little family unit.  Carla had been everything that a mother could be to Ellen.  She was kind and loving. She'd taught Ellen to cook and to knit and they'd played cards together in their  little flat many nights of the week when Ellen wasn't doing her homework.

Ellen smiled, a bitter sad smile, as she recalled what her plans for her life had been.   How far, she thought, she was now from where she'd hoped to be at this age.


Her father had left and never returned before she was born.  Her mother had all but abandoned her.  Her  grandmother had been her only source of love.  She now realised, looking back, that her need to feel wanted and loved had made her  easy prey for any young man who professed to care for her.

The young man who had taken advantage of her situation was Tommy's father.  Once he knew that Ellen was pregnant ... he'd gone.  Sure, at  first he'd made excuses for why he couldn't visit her much.  However, soon he wasn't  returning her phone calls and finally he'd  just sent her a break up e-mail: "It's over . Sorry."

And that was it.

Ellen was alone and pregnant.  She'd stopped counting the number of girls her ex- boyfriend  had  been with after he'd dumped her.  She no longer cared.  She'd realised that she and Tommy were better off without him in their lives. He was as useless to Tommy as her own mother had been to her.    But she had made a promise to herself and to Tommy that she would be the best possible mother  that she could be and she would never leave him.  Ever.

Ellen held Tommy's warm little body to herself.  The room was so cold  she could see the mist of condensation in the air as she breathed out.

She reflected on the last eight months.

It had been so sad when her grandmother died.  Tommy was only six weeks old at the time.  She had carried him in a baby sling to the funeral.  She'd been so annoyed with herself for not bringing any tissues.  She hadn't realised that she would cry as much as she did.

Actually she  had been  in a heavy fog of tiredness during  those first few weeks after Tommy was born. With so little sleep she couldn't organise very much of anything in her life.

At her grandmother's funeral she had  stood at the back of the packed church.  There had been  no seats left when she arrived late. The buses seemed to be never on time when she needed them.

Tears had run in a constant stream over her cheeks and her nose had dripped profusely throughout the service.  She had searched through the baby bag and found that all she had to mop up her tears were wet wipes.  Most of the funeral was now a blur.  All she could recall now was feeling utterly alone in the world and very uncomfortable with a terribly wet face. Tommy had slept through the whole thing, fortunately.


Life was so hard, she thought.  Apart from Tommy, her life was lonely and dull and futile.


Ellen realised that she was hungry .  She knew what was in the fridge and the kitchen cupboards - nothing... other than some baby formula and baby food for Tommy.

Ellen always made sure that Tommy was never hungry or cold.  His toys were from the Goodwill shop - but he had toys.  His clothes were from Salvation Army but they were warm.  His  blankets and his pram and his cot were donated by friends - but he had them.  Poverty or not - Ellen would always ensure Tommy had what he needed.


Ellen lifted Tommy from her lap.  She walked out into the dark kitchen.  The whole flat always seemed dark somehow and she'd noticed that it always smelled of boiled cabbage.  Maybe it was due  the grime on the walls and the floor.  She'd tried to scrub it off - but to no avail.

Ellen brought Tommys pusher out from her bedroom and got her cotton shopping bag from the bedpost where it hung.  She had $15.40 in her purse.  Her budget was so tight - she always knew how much money she had for each bill and each day and every expense.

She made a short shopping list, put Tommy into his little blue parker, strapped him into the pusher, pulled a little woollen blanket over his legs and put a plastic rain cover over the front of the pusher.
She  opened the back door and a burst of cold air swept in on her.  It was raining again.  Not heavy.  She would be OK to walk the half mile to the shop with her umbrella.  She'd needed her parker so she ran back to her bedroom  to retrieve it.  And then she left.

Walking toward the shop the world appeared grey.  Literally grey.  These rainy cold days there was so little colour in the world.  Even the trees looked grey.  The wind was cold and as her legs became wet the wind felt like ice on her skin.  Her shoes were now wet and her feet had gone numb.

She checked on Tommy.  He was sitting up in the pram - warm and dry.  His little blanket was over his legs and a his toys were next to him, although he didn't play with them. His eyes shone as excitedly he looked all around at the cars and the world and the rain.  He squealed with delight.

Ellen walked on.  She recalled days like this with her grandmother. The two of them would sit by the window looking out into the stormy weather.  The wind would howl outside as the rain belted down and the world was wet and cold.  Her grandmother would remind her that together they were warm and cosy inside, and the love they had for each other would mean that in their hearts they would always be  warm and safe.

She would remind Ellen that after a storm, after the rain and the wind have died away, the sun comes out again.  And sometimes there's a rainbow.   A rainbow reminds people that once storms pass, the sun comes out again and once more the world is a beautiful place.  Rainbows are all the colours of the beauty in the world, she would say.  They are all the colours of nature -  the flowers, the  sunshine, the grass and the trees and the sky and the oceans.  Rainbows are beautiful as life is beautiful.  You just need to be patient. You need to ride out the storms before you get to see the rainbows.


Arriving at the supermarket Ellen was aware of the stares that she received.  The few times that Ellen saw her mother in her childhood she would tell Ellen that she looked like a 'drowned rat' or 'something the cat dragged in' - when she'd come in out of the rain from playing.  These words sprang to her mind now as she tried to ignore the disapproving glares from the other shoppers.

Hurrying through the aisles - Ellen got what she needed and quickly made her way to the check-out.

In the check-out queue an elegantly dressed woman stood ahead of Ellen unloading groceries onto the conveyer belt.  She appeared to be in her mid forties.  She was tall and slim like Ellen.  She wore a tailored wool skirt with a cashmere cream jumper.  A lovely red crepe shawl covered her arms and  a  designer leather bag hung from one shoulder.

She was unpacking a large pile of groceries.  Some of the items were things that  Ellen had never seen before let alone tasted.  Goats cheese and exotic dips and herbs.

The woman turned and smiled at Ellen and then, looking down at Tommy in his  pusher, she smiled at him and waved her fingers to him in a gesture of hello.   Ellen thought that she had a kind and gentle face.

"He's beautful" the woman said, gesturing toward Tommy. "How old is he?"

"Ten months", Ellen replied.  She felt awkward with the conversation.  Somehow in her life  she had  felt that she needed to be defensive with everyone, other than her grandmother, as if she needed to protect herself from criticism constantly.

"Well, he's a picture of health", the woman said stooping down to pat Tommy's head.  "He'd be saying a couple of words by now and pulling himself to standing and  crawling I would think?"

Ellen felt safe with this woman .  She relaxed a little.
"Yes," she said, "he's crawling and he can pull himself up to stand."  She felt  a sense of pride in her child and in her achievements as a mother for a brief moment as she spoke.  "He says mama now".

At that moment she became aware of how few people  were actually interested in Tommy's progress and she realised that she had no one to discuss these things with.  Her school friends weren't interested.  They'd seen  Tommy as a slight amusement initially but they'd quickly grown  bored by the whole 'mum' thing.  They never really understood why Ellen couldn't go to the parties and outings they invited her to.  So, gradually they had stopped asking her.  Ellen felt that she was now in another world to these girls anyway, and while she didn't miss them too much she was often very lonely.

The woman was playing peek-a-boo with Tommy now.  Tommy squealed in delight.
"I'm a children's doctor,"the woman explained. "A paediatrician.  I've always loved children".

She stood up. Her groceries were almost through the check-out.  She seemed sad and away in some memory for a moment, Ellen thought.

"I would have liked to have had children".  She paused and then turned away and busied herself with putting her grocery bags into her trolley.  "But I never had any".

She turned and smiled to Ellen.  I bought myself a puppy last week.  She wiped something from her eye quickly and then added " a little poodle.  I've called him ... Edward".


Ellen laughed.  "Edward?  Thats an unusual dog name."

"Yes, I know.  It was my fathers name.  And I always thought that ..." She stopped her sentence.

The sad expression returned fleetingly and then it was gone.

Her groceries were packed now and she paid the check-out girl and started to leave with her trolley.

She was walking from the store when she suddenly stopped.  She stood still briefly, and then turned and walked quickly back to the check-out where Ellen had placed a few meagre groceries on the counter.

"I know that you will think this strange," she said," but I want you and your baby to have this."  She put her arm down into the large  leather bag she carried and pulled out a crumpled old package the size of a small tub of butter.  It was  wrapped in worn yellow tissue paper.  It looked like she'd had it for a long time - or someone had.


The woman looked excited as she put the package on the counter next to Ellen.


Ellen was unsure. She didn't know this woman, although something about her seemed really kind and genuine.

So Ellen picked up the package and opened it carefully, although she was aware that the paper was already grubby and torn in places.


As the wrapping peeled away a beautiful pair of brown leather baby shoes sat there on the paper.  They were detailed with intricate patterns grooved into the leather and Ellen could tell that they were expensive.

The woman looked at Ellen.  She seemed to be looking to see if Ellen liked them.  She was smiling and seemed excited to be giving them to her.

Ellen was speechless. They were the most beautiful shoes she'd seen ever.  She would never have bought anything like this for Tommy.  Nothing so good and expensive.  He would be walking in the next few weeks and these would fit perfectly.

Ellen held  the shoes tightly up against her chest. She found it hard to speak at first.  She didn't know how to thank this woman. Finally she said, "I love them. Thank you."

The woman seemed relieved.  She put her soft warm hand onto Ellen's icy fingers and added,  "They're baby shoes.  They've never been worn." She paused and looked reflective. "I've had them for a long long time.  But I want you and your baby to enjoy them.  I won't be needing them."  Ellen noticed tears in her eyes before she turned and left.

Ellen watched her exit the shop and walk away toward a late model black BMW sedan parked outside.  The check out girl smiled at Ellen. "They're beautiful" she said.


As Ellen left the shop she noticed that the rain had stopped.  The world glistened now and colour had come back into the street with the sunshine.

It was then that Ellen saw the rainbow.  It arced across the entire sky.  It's colours were bold and bright and beautiful.  Ellen felt happy.  She hadn't felt happy like this since before her grandmother died.

Tommy squealed and pointed at the rainbow.


Ellen squatted down next to him as he sat in his pram.  She pointed to the rainbow and as she held Tommy's little  hand she explained,
"Tommy, that's called a rainbow." She watched his  face and he seemed to be listening to her. "Rainbows happen after the rain has gone and the sun has come out again.  They are all the colours of the beauty in the world - the flowers and the sunshine and the trees and the oceans.  They remind us that after the storms blow away - the world really is a lovely and beautiful place.




                                                                     The End





The inspiration for this story is partly the blog title - parenthood and its challenges.

But it's also something Hemmingway wrote in a novel.  Hemmingway was always  pithy with his writing.

He wrote these six words.  Short and poignant.


"For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn."




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