Friendship

This week I thought that I would discuss ... friendship.


I think that 'friendship' is  a lovely word.


I was inspired to discuss this topic by a conversation that I had this week with one of my long term patients, a man in his early 70's who I'll call Jim, because that isn't his name, as I excised another skin cancer from his body.

I have known Jim for many years as, like many of my patients, he has had multiple skin cancers and for me this means that we have had multiple conversations  while  I perform his surgery.

Some doctors, like my husband, play music during surgery and they say very little to the patient as they operate.

Some doctors who perform surgery under general anaesthetic, obviously more complex and major surgery than I do, chat with their colleagues during the surgery and /or listen to their music CD's etc that they bring in.

If patients were awake I think that they would be shocked by some of the conversations the doctors have. It's not that the conversations are nasty or disrespectful.  They're not.  It's just that a lot of us perform better in surgery when we're mostly on 'auto-pilot' and not over-thinking things.  It's like driving a car. It's largely automatic - and if you think about every move you make in silence - you will likely drive less well.

But to give you an idea of the conversations  doctors sometimes have in the operating theatre  - I do recall one conversation, when I was an intern.  The topic that day was: 'What would be the best way to die?'

All I recall is that the winning answer agreed to by the doctors,  amidst the many funny and far fetched answers was - 'to be shot by a jealous lover at the age of 103!'


So, back  to the conversation this week which inspired my blog topic.

Jim was telling me, during his surgery, two stories from his life over the last year.  One sad and one happy.

Firstly, he told me that his son, aged in his forties, had died within the last 12 months from a long and chronic illness. His son had never married, likely related to his many health issues, but he was much loved by his family and the many friends that he had in his life.

Jim told me that over 200 people came to his son's funeral.  Many had  lovely stories to tell about his son. Stories about what a good friend he was to many people.

For example,  his son would regularly mow a neighbours lawn.  He would say to the elderly woman, when she told him that he shouldn't bother doing it,  that he had the lawn mower out anyway  so it was no bother.

His son also had a work colleague with a very nice car which he 'detailed' (whatever that means) on his week ends - for free.  He did this just for  the joy of helping someone, plus he obviously loved cars as much as his work mate did. Apparently the car  was some special exotic model.

Anything to do with cars doesn't register in my memory.  Maybe that's a female thing.  Cars are not of any interest to me.  Someone recently asked me what kind of car I own.  'A white one', I said.  And then, realising that I knew something else about it, I added excitedly, 'with seven seats.  A people-mover car.'
Beyond that - I don't care.

Blasphemy! - male readers will scream.


I told Jim that it sounded like his son was a lovely man.  He had many friends and he was a good friend to many people.
I also told him that there is a saying:
'The measure of how loving a person is - is how much they are loved.'
His son was  much loved by his many friends and by his family.  That says a lot about him.
Jim smiled.  He was quiet for a while.


After a short time, Jim  told me a happy story from the last few months.
He told me that he had recently run into a woman he'd known many years earlier.  The woman's daughter had been in one of the netball teams he had  coached around 30 years previously. He is still a netball coach today.  He travels all over Australia coaching and umpiring netball.

The woman told him that her daughter always spoke so well of him and she thought that her daughter would like to hear from him.  She then gave Jim her daughter's e-mail address.

Hesitantly, Jim e-mailed a letter saying 'hello' to the young woman he'd coached so many years earlier.

He was shocked, he said, that the young woman e-mailed him back within only a couple of hours.

She told him how important he'd been in her life and what a good friend he'd been to her when she had needed one as a child.  She was now forty years old and she was a senior  law partner in a large law firm in Ireland.  She was married with two dogs and she was happy in her life.

She said that as a child she had been bullied at school because she was Sri Lankan  and she was therefore different to the other children.  The bullying had been damaging her self esteem and she had felt depressed by it.  However, she said, in the netball team which Jim coached, she had felt safe and 'as good as everyone else'.  She felt accepted and befriended by the others and  this  greatly helped her self esteem and  helped her to feel happy again.

She reminded him that  he used to say to the children after a netball game, 'Who do you think was the best player today?'
The children would all look around at each other, unsure  who it was.
He would then tell them,'You all were!  You are a team and everyone is important in a team.  You all help each other and you're all important.'

The young woman said that she had returned to Australia a few times over the years to visit her parents and on all of those occasions she had gone to his house to say 'hello' and to tell him how much his friendship had meant to her in her childhood.  Unfortunately, she said,  he hadn't been at home each time that she called.

He told me that soon after their e-mail conversation she came out to Australia and visited him.  He said that she now looks like a beautiful movie star.  She hugged him and said that she would like to be able to visit him and write to him sometimes.  Just like she did with her parents.  She hoped that they could always be friends, she said.

Jim told me that  he was surprised that showing simple  respect and kindness to a child, being a friend, could make such a difference in their life and they would appreciate it so much.


I wasn't surprised.


I told Jim that a similar thing had happened to me growing up, so I fully understood how the woman felt toward him.


When I was a child my family was dysfunctional and my father was an abusive bully.  He had no interest in me or my life and regularly told me he hated me.

However, when I was seven years old an English couple moved into the house behind ours.  The new neighbours had a daughter, Wendy, who was my age.  She was in my class at school.  They also had two older children, but they were young adults and they no longer lived at home.

In my childhood Wendy's dad, John, was like the father I never had.  Because Wendy and I were so close as friends our families put a gate in the fence between our houses, when they were rebuilding the fence, so that we could more easily visit each other.

Wendy rarely came to my house.  I don't blame her.  It was like a war zone.  Fighting and screaming and doors slamming.  So the fence was mainly used by me to escape over to my friend's lovely house.  It was peaceful and happy there.  Both of her parents were kind to me.  So I do know that children remember those adults who treat them with respect and kindness.  Especially if that support is missing in other areas of their life.

I would go to my friends's house and her dad would play cricket with us in their backyard.  He would sometimes throw us up into the air off his knee, when we were around seven and eight years old, while we played in their above-ground pool.  On  long hot Summer days Wendy and I would stay in that pool all day and until  nine o'clock at night.  We'd have  a quick intermission for dinner and then we'd run back  into the pool where we'd  stay until bed time, under the pool's flood lights.

I learned to swim in that pool and I still enjoy swimming for exercise.

At other times Wendy's dad, John, would help us make tents in their back yard out of their white sheets, blankets, rope and lots of clothes pegs which we would string up between the fruit trees.  A number of the neighbourhood kids would then sleep out there with our torches and packets of marshmallows and we'd talk and laugh long into the night.

On some Summer evenings their family would get out the home movie reels with the old noisy projector and they'd put up a large white screen on its flimsy wire stand in the eat-in kitchen.  The family would sit around the screen, with me taking pride of place right there in the middle of them all, and we'd eat vanilla ice-creams in cones as we'd watch their home movies. The wire screen back door would allow an occasional breeze to waft through the room, as well as the noise from the many cicadas outside on the lawn.

I recall being around eight years old as I watched one home-movie from when the family was back in  England, before they emigrated to Australia.  It was a day at the  beach. The beach was like no beach I'd ever seen.  It was all stones and pebbles with no sand!  The wind was gale force and everyone was trying to shelter behind something they called a 'wendy-house' - which was a cotton sheet type construction held up on a folding screen designed to be a wind-block.  Hats were flying away  up the beach and people were scrambling away after them. Umbrellas were being  brought out, and some were being blown inside out in the wild weather, as the drizzling rain started.  The sky was grey. The clouds hung dark and low.  I could see no sunshine. Still the family were smiling and waving at the camera while wearing bathers and reclining on banana lounges!?

'Why did you go to the beach on such an awful day?' I asked, astounded at the bizarre scene that I was witnessing in these home movies.

'That's a Summer day in England,' they replied and then they all laughed.

I was shocked.  Speechless.

True story.  Seriously, I was not exaggerating about the  home-movie 'beach day out'.  English people may recognise what I've just said as true.

Sometimes, when Wendy was off at another friend's house, her dad would tell me that she wasn't home, when I came over to their house to play with her.  He would usually tell me that I could 'stay over' until she got home in an hour or so, and I could watch television or just  sit with him and chat.  I usually stayed.

I loved our chats.  Wendy's dad would get chocolate out of his 'secret chocolate drawer'.  Actually, Wendy and I knew all about his chocolate drawer.  After school we'd frequently help ourselves to the caramello chocolate.  But on these occasions her dad and  I would chat about all sorts of things.  Wendy's mum, Mary, would also often sit with us and chat too.

Wendy's dad, John, was the dad I never had.  He was also a friend to me as a child when I needed one.  He was lovely and I'll never forget him.


Among the many lovely qualities John had - one of them was also 'courage'.

One night a woman diagonally across the street from their house was attacked and almost killed by her abusive husband.  Apparently she was screaming for help late one night at around 11o'clock.  John worked as a security guard and he must have recognised the urgency of the situation.  He asked his wife Mary to  phoned  the police while he ran across the road and pulled the violent gorilla of a man off his battered wife.

John wasn't a tall man.  He was solidly built but only around 5foot 8 inches.  The other man, we all knew in the street, was big.  Bigger the John.  Taller and stronger.  But John still ran over there and pulled this massive thug off his wife, and he fought him.  The man ran off into the night.   The police caught him  a few hours later.

John then stayed with the battered woman until the ambulance arrived.  She was seriously injured.  Her eyeball had been partially torn from the socket and it was sitting on her cheek.

John had saved her life.  In doing so he had also risked his own.


John died from a massive heart attack when I was 14 years old.  He was still only in his forties.  He was about the age that I am now.  He came home from work one day and said that he felt unwell.  He said that he might just have a little lie down on his bed.  He never woke up.

I still visit John's wife, Mary,  every Christmas.  More than 30 years after those childhood days in the 1970's.  I don't see Wendy anymore and I haven't seen her in decades.  Like many friendships - ours just ran its course.

Wendy's parents were a lovely couple who were my default parents in many ways and they were both good friends to me when I was a child living in a lonely abusive household.  They gave me so many wonderful and fun childhood memories.  They were also marvellous role models for me and in my life today I follow many of the traditions and behaviours I so admired and enjoyed in their house with both of them.

When Mary and I chat, if she talks about John she often says 'my husband'.  I think she does this because many of the people she has mixed with in the 30 years since his death wouldn't know him. So it's easier for her to just say 'my husband' and then she doesn't have to explain who 'John' was.   However, I always correct her when she says this.  I interrupt her and I say,  'You mean John.'   I remember him.  I knew him.  He was not just 'her husband' to me.  He was John -  my dear friend.  His memory is embedded deep in my heart.


So I do understand what Jim meant to the young woman who visited him and who still remembers him.  The woman who still calls him her dear friend.  He is a kind man and his friendship during a difficult phase of her childhood helped her to find happiness and a positive self image.  His friendship changed her life.  He just didn't know it.  I bet she's glad she got to tell him


I never got to tell John what he meant to me. But I got to tell Mary.  So that's something.


They were both good friends to me in my childhood.



A little quote about friendship by Saint Basil (Who? I hear you say.  I don't know either - but I like what whoever he is said):

'A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds.
A good deed is never lost;
he who sows courtesy reaps friendships,
and he who plants kindness gathers love.'

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                                                                   Friendship:


So, what is 'friendship'?


The Oxford dictionary defines 'friendship':
                      1. a person with whom one enjoys mutual affection and regard (usually exclusive of family bonds)
                      2. a sympathiser, helper, or patron.
                      3. a helpful thing or quality.

The word 'friendly' in the dictionary similarly uses the two words to define it:  kindness and helping.



Although there are many forms of friendships - certain characteristics are often found in these relationships:
- affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion.

- enjoying each others company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgement from the friend.

- friends tend to share common backgrounds, occupations, interests and similar demographics.




Through life the nature of friendships change.

Early:
Friendships in childhood come after 'parental bonding' and before 'couple bonding'.

In the period between early childhood and the onset of full adulthood - friendships are often the most important relationships in the emotional life of the adolescent, and are often more intense than relationships later in life.

Adult life:
After marriage, both women and men report to have fewer friendships of the opposite sex.

In the work place it can also be harder to maintain meaningful friendships - work friendships can take on a more 'transactional'/'colleague' feel.

The majority of adults have an average of two friends.

Old age:
As family responsibilities and work pressure become less - friendships again become more important.

Friendships give people a link to the community, which has been shown to be associated with wellness.



A number of studies have found that strong social supports improve the prospects for good health and longevity in people.

Conversely, loneliness and lack of social supports have been linked to an increase of heart disease, viral infections, and cancer, as well as higher mortality rates.

(In medicine this may be associated with increased 'stress' associated with loneliness and social isolation. Studies have shown that stress negatively affects T-cells in the immune system, and we know that T-cells are important in fighting both viral infections and reducing cancer.  People on immune suppressive medications or with immune deficiency from other causes have a higher incidence of cancer).

So the link between social isolation and ill health is a physical thing.  It's not just all 'in your mind'.  The mind and body are intricately linked.

In medicine we talk of a 'bio-psycho-social model'.  Psychological stresses can cause physical changes in the body.  Also social problems can affect both psychology and biological issues for people. ( i.e. poverty- hunger, cold, exposure to the elements - leading to colds, illness (biological changes) and stress, depression (psychological changes)).



So while we know that friendships are important to a person's health - we don't the all of the reasons for how.

It may be that good friends encourage their friends to lead to more healthy lifestyles; access services when needed, improve coping skills to help with illness and health issues, and effect physiological pathways (as discussed).

The 'quality' of friendships is important.
High quality friendships are 'life enhancing'.  These friendships  have good ways of resolving conflict and are mutually supportive and caring.
High quality friendships directly contribute to self-esteem, self-confidence, and social development.



Making friends:
There are three significant factors -
- proximity - being near enough to see each other or do things together.
- repeatedly encountering the person informally
- opportunities to share ideas and personal feelings with each other.

So joining classes or groups with people who enjoy your likes and interests is a good start to making friends.

But you need to get out there into the world and be open to having fun and doing things.  Find out what you enjoy.  Think back to your childhood, if you need to. Try to  remember what you used to have fun doing.  Those times when you were having so much fun that you just lost track of the  time. Think hard. Even go for a walk and think.  Pose the question to your mind and let the answer bubble up to the surface.  This lets your subconscious work on the question.

Then, as Dr Phil would say - put yourself into a 'target-rich  environment'.
You will not likely meet your soul mates wandering in the street or sitting in a pub or a coffee shop alone. Also, as an aside,  I do think that people have more than one soul mate in life (friends are often soul mates, as well as partners and children).


Be 'friendly' as well.  Smile.  Chat to people.  Be interested in them.  That is a great way to connect with other people.  Genuinely care about them.  Worry less about what they think of you. Think more about how you might care about and help them.  Help may be as simple as being an ear to listen to what they have to say.

Smiling when you socialise as a way to make more friends - is not such 'simple' idea as it sounds.
Research shows that we tend to like those people who like us and we tend to see others as liking us more if we like them. So, it appears liking breeds liking and loving promotes loving.


Try, as well, to be true to yourself.  Don't pretend to like things you don't.  There are loads of people out there who would be lucky to have you as a friend. And they share your genuine interests.  Just find what those interest are. Photography groups. Yoga.  Gym. Swimming. Writers groups or book clubs.  You may even treat these groups as stepping stones.  They may be just practice to get started in meeting people and going out.  These groups may help you discover other fun groups and people.  'Six degrees of separation' style.


But you need to decide to make friends, try to find what you like doing and what you might enjoy and then get out of the house and be friendly (obviously in a safe environment and using good judgement).

As Einstein said: (or words to this effect)
Madness is doing the same thing over and over - but expecting a different outcome.



Also note that friendships do sometimes run their course.
Friends can come and go.  They just do.  It is often no-ones fault.  People move on or away or their shared interests or priorities change.

Sometimes those friendships can pick up again years later.  Sometimes not.

What is great is that new friendships come along often - if you get out into the world and you are interested in people and you are a friend to others.


The writer Anais Nin said about friendship:
'Each friendship represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.'

I agree.

These friendships leave wonderful memories, experiences and lessons learned.

Sometimes, in my mind, I  walk happily  through the memories that I have of old friends and times  we shared ; like walking through a lovely garden that I've planted and tended.  I have the joy and the colour and the beauty still clear in my mind, and the love and kindness  of those friendships still warm in my heart.

These friendships were worth the time and effort I put into them and the high priority I gave them in my life.

This is likely why I get a bit teary , like other people, when I hear  'Auld Lang Syne'  on new years eve.  Warm memories of friends from the past - gone from our lives but not from our hearts.



One last point with friendships.

You need to be a friend to yourself - to have friends.

As Dr Phil would say - 'You teach people how to treat you.'

You need to know that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.  Anyone who does other than this is not your friend.

To accept love and friendship I think that people need to love themselves.

There is a thing in Psychology called 'self verification'.  It means that people seek feedback that matches and supports their own 'self image'.

So if people tell you how kind and interesting you are - but you have very low self esteem and you believe that you are dull and boring and unworthy of love - you won't believe them. You won't accept this hand of friendship extended to you.

I recall a man on television once - I think it was on Dr Phil.  The man had told a very sad story about his life and his self esteem was very low. Thousands  of people wrote letters of love and support to him - care of the television show.  However, amongst all of those letters three were critical of him.

What was fascinating  was that the man ignored the letters of support - thousands of them - and he focused only on the three critical letters.


The man was 'filtering'.  He filtered all of the kind words of support he received in the thousands of letters - as they were at odds with his own critical self image.  All he could accept was the evidence that was concordant with his own sad beliefs about himself. In pile of thousands of letters - he could only accept the three which criticised him.

This 'filtering' is  part of the reason that people with  low self esteem need to work of self love before they will  be able to let others  love them or befriend them often.
These people won't believe that they are worthy of love or friendship.  They won't believe that people are genuine when they tell them nice things about them.  They can't believe complements from others - when  they don't believe these things about themselves.

Beliefs can't change just by telling yourself to change.  Beliefs change when people are exposed to evidence contrary to their beliefs.  Evidence which invalidates their own negative self beliefs.


If this may be you then I would suggest the following:

Firstly, write down all of your negative beliefs about yourself.

Then write down the opposite belief. (i.e.Negative self belief: I'm boring.  Opposite: I'm interesting).

Now get a small  notebook and pen and whenever someone says that you are interesting or they stay engaged as you talk or they thank you for your help or opinion - write that down.

Then, Look at all of these examples - this evidence for your value and worth  and for the new positive self belief - everyday.

You could also say the list out loud daily:  the positive self beliefs and the evidence for them.
Try to spend about five minutes, three or more times per week, reading aloud your list.


You can self - hypnotise yourself to positive thinking.

Hypnosis doesn't require an altered state of consciousness for it to be achieved.  If a person simply hears something said or thought over and over again - you'll start to believe it. This is a form of hypnosis.  Even if you are completely awake the whole time.

So, in abusive relationships, for example - people may be told over and over that they are 'useless' and 'unworthy of anyone caring about them' - and when they've heard that over and over for long enough - they will usually start to believe it.

People may give themselves negative 'self - talk' which acts toward low self esteem in a similar way.  If you tell your self constantly how awful you are - you'll believe it - and this will affect your behaviour.  You may feel that you don't deserve nice things in your life - like good quality friendships and love.

Well, fortunately you can use this 'self-hypnosis self talk' in a positive way as well as a negative way.

If you tell yourself over and over - at first aloud and then in you head - how valuable you are and capable and deserving of success and love in your life  - you will start to believe it, and a change in your behaviour will follow.

So, as I've said, make a tape or read aloud at least three times per week positive affirmations and evidence that you've gathered to support the positive things you tell yourself.

See how your mood and confidence improve as well as your ability to accept compliments and love and friendship from others.


It will.  Psychology is a science - and studies show this sort of process works to help your self esteem and mood, and then your behaviour, and then your life.



                           Voila - fun with friends, and happiness in your life.  You deserve it.




Seriously, friendships are so much fun!!  Also, in hard times - we could all use friends.


Last quote (I remind my kids of  this one often):

Ralph Waldo Emerson

'The only way to have a friend is to be one.'




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A quick joke before I go regarding 'friendship'.


My teenage daughter showed me a cartoon recently which she thought was good.

The cartoon showed a large church empty except for just two people sitting up the front.

It's a funeral and the casket sits alone near the alter.

One of the two people says to the other one, " He had over 500 friends on Facebook.  I would have thought there would have been a bigger turn out.'


My teenage daughter is quite cynical about what some people call friends on the internet - so she thought this cartoon was  quite an apt depiction of this concept.

     


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I have a nice short story (fiction) about friendship that I'll write next week.




PS: If you liked this blog or found it helpful - please let others know - it may be helpful to them or just a nice read.