I think most of us have experienced bullying at some level and at some time in our lives: in school, at work, out in the community or even at home.
Bullies typically act in groups, rather than as individuals, they 'gang up' on someone; there is usually a ring leader and they attack people who can't or don't defend themselves, for whatever reason.
Bullies tend to get worse if no-one stands up to them. Appeasing a bully gives them power and their abuse often gets worse.
Bullies tend to lack empathy - that ability to feel the pain and hurt of other people that they attack. So appealing to their conscience and trying to explain to them how upsetting and hurtful their behaviour is to you will rarely work.
Also, contrary to some reports we hear that bullies have low self esteem - studies have shown that they do not have low self esteem; they actually feel superior to the people they bully.
Bullying can be an insidiously destructive thing. Even for people who are generally confident and strong and initially might fight back. It can eventually erode their confidence, lead them to doubt themselves and eventually it can cause some people to become depressed and want to give up. Give up on their jobs, give up on their relationships, give up on their hobbies and interests and sometimes even give up wanting to live.
Chronic bullying can sometimes even lead some people to commit suicide. People are more likely to kill themselves when they think that they are in a corner with no alternative; no way out of their situation.
Please note that there is ALWAYS an alternative. There is always a way out. Don't be rigid in your thinking and think things should stay as they are. Be creative in looking for ways out and creating a new healthier positive situation for yourself. If worse came to worse you could even change schools, quit that job, move house, get out of the relationship and leave, go to the police and do whatever it takes to get away from a bully.
It is worth remembering that you cannot change other people. You can't change a bully - they will possibly never change and could even get worse. Changing them is not your job. You can change yourself and your situations - always.
There is a saying that 'sometimes bad things happen when good people do nothing'. Sometimes others will see that someone is being bullied - but they don't want to get involved as they may think they might become the next target for bullying. They may think that they don't want the hassle and the inconvenience getting involved would cause them.
However, I think that we must all get behind and support someone who is bullied. No matter how inconvenient and difficult that makes our lives for a while. Yes it may be a scary thing to do. But it is the right thing to do. We should do something to help - before it is too late, possibly, and the opportunity to help is gone.
Being scared at times is a part of life. Being scared does not make someone a coward. To be scared but to stand up for what you think is right in spite of being scared is to have courage. If bullies are to be overcome - then the victims of the bullies need others to stand in their corner and fight back with them and openly support them.
I think as people we should help each other. It is how humans have been able to survive over many millennia of incredibly difficult times. We support each other and remember that life is hard and we can get through if we are there for each other - through the good times and the bad times as well. It makes us brave. It makes us true friends to other people. It means that we have integrity. It is one of the lessons we are here on earth to learn - helping others. Not 'helping others' only if it is easy and convenient and you happen to feel like it and it won't in any way put you out.
If someone were bullying you - would you want someone else supporting you and helping you? How would you feel if no-one did? Exploring this question gives you the empathy needed to help someone else in a similar situation. What goes around does often come around.
Helping may not always mean directly getting involved in the situation. It might mean going with the person being bullied to the appropriate person or place to complain and seek help: the police, the school principle, the media, the complaints department at work or a more senior figure at work, or a complaints department outside of the workplace, to name a few.
Bullies are actually cowards. They pick on people who are weaker than them and/or outnumbered by them. To ask any victim to endlessly fight a group of bullies alone - is usually asking too much. This may work for a while in the short term. But fighting a daily or regular battle against a stronger opponent - due to being outnumbered or the fact that the bully is bigger than you or in a position of authority relative to you can make it an impossible fight if you are doing it alone. Other people need to help and, I would advise anyone being bullied, if no-one volunteers to come to your aid - go seek help out and demand help for yourself and/or get yourself out of the situation altogether. Even if that means in some cases quitting a job, leaving a place of residence or changing schools.
It has been estimated that 2% of men and 0.5% of women are psychopaths. Psychopaths lack empathy and often enjoy hurting people and being destructive in other people's lives. It has been found that a relatively high number of managers and people in positions of authority in the workplace are psychopaths. There have been books and documentaries made about psychopaths in the workplace - you could google that to learn more.
Obviously, these people are also in schools and out in the community as well. It is the advice of psychologists that if you have a psychopath for a boss and you are being bullied and the boss won't leave or can't be shifted away from you - the best and only thing for you to do is to get out and find another job. If a psychopath boss stays - then you need to leave.
I chose the topic of bullying as I supported someone this week who was being bullied by others in his workplace. He said my support helped him - and I'm glad I could help. I think sometimes we think people are 'picking' on us but we haven't yet worked out that it is 'bullying' per se. Even this realisation and knowing that we are supported by others and encouraged to stand up for ourselves and our rights helps. It helps us to decide to do something about it and the support gives us more courage to do this.
If you are being bullied - you don't have to put up with it! Ask for help from others. They may just not realise that you need help or may not have thought of helping until you suggest it. It may also be useful to be specific in what help you would like. You may need to tell people how they can help you: stand with you against the bullies - a group of you, go with you to the school principle or to a higher manager or person in higher authority at work, go to the police with you or take you in to their home if you need to get away from an abusive living situation.
If the first person isn't helpful - ask someone else and keep doing that until you get the help you need.
Don't give up.
It is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. Be squeaky!!!
Everyone deserves to be treated with love, respect and dignity and everyone deserves to feel safe and to be safe.
As the poem Desiderata says: 'You are a child of he universe and you deserve to be here'.
You are as deserving as anyone else on the planet and no-one has the right to abuse you or bully you. No-one. Fight for your rights and find help. Bullies are easier to fight when yo have help. You don't need to go it alone. Help is out there, although you may need to go to more than one person to find the help you need.
Don't give up. Everyone deserves to be safe and respected. Especially you.
* * *
A short story (fiction):
The Last Day
The alarm clock blasted into 14 year old Kate's dream. It was the dream she often had lately. The one where she sat in a beautiful garden and felt happy and at peace.
She pulled her lids open and found that she needed to squint against the harsh sunlight which flooded her bedroom. Her gaze scanned the room. It was a mess. As usual. Her clothes and junk littered the floor and covered her study desk which sat in the corner of the room; the desk which she hadn't used for weeks. As she pulled herself out of bed she remembered what day it was. It was Friday. Finally, she thought, it's the last day.
"Kate", her mothers voice sang out from the kitchen down stairs. "It's almost 8 o'clock. Hurry up! Your bus leaves in 15 minutes".
"OK", she called back.
She found her crumpled uniform under a few magazines and put it on. She pulled her long dark hair up into a ponytail and found her school bag amongst the rubbish. It was empty. She wondered if she should bring any books today. It was the last day. She found a text book - torn and stuck back together with sticky tape and threw it in her bag. That would do, she thought, and she slowly traipsed down the stairs.
As she walked into the kitchen she consciously took in the scene and hoped that she would be able to remember things as they were at that moment forever.
Her mother, medium height and build, dark brown hair and in her early 40's was busy putting bread into the toaster. Her younger brother, Rowan, four years old with light brown curly hair, dimples and wearing the car t-shirt with motorbike shorts that he loved, was playing with his transformer toys at the kitchen table.
The kitchen itself was a simple construction: wooden cupboards painted antique white situated around the edges of the room, an old white fridge in a corner and a large window looking out onto the small area of grass out the back. It was the room that the three of them had spent much of their time since they had moved into the small rental house 6 months earlier, after her parent's divorce.
Kate sat down. Her mother had left buttered toast and a glass of juice for her at her place on the table. She took a small sip of the juice. She didn't feel much like eating today. Actually, she hadn't much felt like eating any time in these last few weeks and she had noticed that her clothes now hung very loose off her thin frame.
She sat quietly at the table for a short while, then lifting her bag off the floor she gave a last hug to Rowan. His little arms wrapped round her waist and she held onto him for a bit longer than she usually would. She would miss him. She loved him so much. She kissed his cheek and they looked at each other, foreheads touching and he smiled up at her with his big brown eyes. "Bye Katey. Have fun at school."
Kate ruffled his soft silky hair with her hand. " Bye Kitten" she said. It was her pet name for him as he loved cats.
Kate hugged her mother and held on a bit longer again.
"Bye darling," her mother kissed her on the head. "Have a nice day. I'm cooking your favourite tonight, spaghetti and meatballs".
Kate smiled at her mother. She knew that cooking dinner was a big deal for her mother as she hated cooking. Mostly food was out of a packet, reheated in the oven or the microwave, and mostly her mother used the smoke detector instead of an oven timer to tell when it was cooked.
"Thanks mum. That'll be great". What a shame, she thought, as she walked out the front door for the last time, that she wouldn't be here for her mother's spaghetti.
Arriving in her classroom, Kate made her way to her usual desk near the front of the room and she sat down. The small wooden tables all faced the front of the room to where the teachers larger wooden desk stood. The room was filling with students and Kate sat holding on to the one text book she had brought to school. It's battered cover and torn pages she held tightly to her chest; a type of security blanket like the one she clutched when she was little and scared.
The students settled into the 1950s style room: large windows faced out into the school yard, white walls, grey linoleum floor. The teacher began talking. The words didn't matter anymore to Kate.
She sat quietly in her chair staring at the whiteboard at the front of the room.
The teachers voice droned on and students around her shuffled papers and scribbled notes. Her thoughts drifted back to six months earlier; to when she had first started at this school after they'd moved house. Kate had always done well at school. She'd been top or near top of her class through out school forever... until now.
She used to love school and she used to be happy with lots of friends. Warm tears welled under her lids and rolled down both cheeks. She didn't bother to wipe them away. These days her thoughts were so dark and there seemed no future that she cared about anymore.
A soft ball of paper hit her hair, then another and another. Kate didn't look around as she knew where they were coming from. She also knew that this was only the beginning of the bullying she would endure today, like every other day in the last five months. She would be punched and kicked and spat at and her homework ripped up and put in the bin and her books torn out of her arms and ripped up and then handed back to her in pieces and whatever else the four bullies who sat at the back of the room decided would be her fate for the day. Although, Kate reminded herself with a slight smile, this would be the last day. She thought about the lovely dream she had often had recently. A beautiful garden where she felt safe and happy and at peace. Soon, she thought.
Gretel, Sally, Sara and Joe were known in the school as the bullies. The other students had known the rules: always hand over lunch money if requested to do so, hand over any homework at any time and generally do what those four girls told them to do, or else. The other students had learned years earlier, before Kate arrived at the school, to try to avoid the four bullies as much as possible and to always do what they were told to by the four girls. Don't ever answer the four bullies back and don't try to reason with them - or your life at the school would not be worth living. The other students had tried to teach Kate the rules early on. Finally Kate did learn - but by then it was too late for her.
The recess bell rang out, the lesson came to an end and Kate trudged out to her usual seat alone in the school yard. A group of the nicer girls in her class had tried to befriend Kate and initially she had really enjoyed their company. However, recently she had avoided everyone as she felt that she was no longer good company for anyone. She had come to realise that she was a bore and a waste of space and other people were better off without her. An icy wind cut through her cotton uniform and she looked out over the bleak school grounds.
"Kate", a woman's voice broke into her black thoughts. It was the school principle, Mrs Lynton. "Kate, come with me dear, to my office". Mrs Lynton, a tall woman in her mid fifties, smiled down at Kate and held out an arm to guide her across the grounds. Kate got up and followed.
When the principle opened her office door Kate was taken aback by the large number of people waiting there. There were six or seven adults, including Kate's own mother, but also a couple of policemen and a number of the nice girls from Kate's class who had been her friends earlier, and the four bullies - Gretel, Sally, Sara and Joe, who sat glaring at her.
On seeing the four girl's furious faces Kate's heart began to race, she gasped and took a step backward. Mrs Lynton gently but firmly took her arm and helped her to a seat between herself and Kate's mother.
"I've called you all here today," the principle began, " as this group of girls", she motioned a hand towards Kate's old friends who sat smiling warmly toward her, " have brought to my attention a very serious case of bullying by this group of girls" she gestured to the four bullies looking innocent and shocked at the front of the room. I have seen extensive film taken on mobile phones of terrible bullying toward Kate over the last couple of weeks. And apparently the bullying has been happening for a lot longer than that".
Kate's mother's jaw dropped. She clutched Kate's hand, and with a look of anguish she turned to Kate. "Why didn't you tell me Kate? Why didn't you tell me what was happening ?"
"I thought you had enough worries with the divorce and your job..." Kate looked up at her mother who hugged her tightly.
"I never have too many worries , darling. Never. " She pulled away and looked into Kate's face. "Always tell me. Always tell me Kate, if you have any worries".
Kate felt tears run down her cheeks. She felt safe for the first time in so long. Her mother hugged her again.
The principle continued, "You four" she pointed at the bullies," are expelled from this school from this moment. Also, we have involved the police as some of what I have seen on the films constitutes assault and criminal offences towards Kate; the police have seen the tapes and they agree".
The two policemen indicated to the four girls sitting at the front of the room to get up and follow them. The girls slowly stood up, speechless and with eyes wide and fearful they looked about the room at the angry faces watching them. Their heads down the girls followed the policemen from the room, their parents leaving after them.
"Kate," the principle put a hand on Kate's shoulder. "You went through a lot and it was an awful thing that you suffered all that time alone. Bullies love to isolate people, it gives them more power, and that is what happened to you. We will arranged for counselling for you and your mother and we hope that you will stay with us at this school. You are a valued member of this school and a real asset for us.
Kate smiled back, "Yes, I'd love to stay". She smiled at her old friends who were walking over to gather around her.
Three years passed and Kate graduated top of the school. She had many great friendships and wonderful times over those years and eventually she left school with many happy memories.
On that Friday, three years earlier, Kate had planned for it to be the last day. The last day of her life. She had planned to kill herself after school that day. She had it all arranged. She needed to find peace, safety and happiness again - like in her recurring dream.
She had thought the only way out, away from the endless bullying, was death. However, she came to realise, with counselling, that she had been wrong. Death was not the way out. Fighting for herself and asking for help from others was the answer. She learned that no-one had the right to take away her happiness and make her feel unsafe and bullied. Ever.
Kate went on to study social work and help other people as she had been helped. She heard, through the grapevine, that the four bullies had been expelled from every school they had gone to subsequently, and two of them had been later sent to prison. Kate decided that those girls were no longer her problem.
Looking back it had been the last day, in a way. It had been the last day that she was ever bullied.
The End
I hope everyone has a lovely week. Be kind to yourselves and I hope that you get to do at least one fun and/or enjoyable thing just for yourself each day - a sit in the sunshine, a lovely espresso coffee, a good laugh at something funny.
I'll write next week - so until then goodbye.
PS: My grandmother used to say that the word 'goodbye' was a lovely word. She said it derived from the phrase "God be with you" (whatever God is for everyone - it is still a nice sentiment).
PS:
If you liked this blog or found it helpful - please let others know - as it may be helpful to them or just a nice read.
No comments:
Post a Comment