Hard times are like story narratives.

Sometimes we learn things best when we try to explain them to other people.

Well, that’s often the case for me. And I find it’s especially true when I’m  teaching my children lessons. As I attempt to explain intricate and nebulous concepts and philosophies - I organise my thoughts, distill my ideas, and come to better understand the complex issues myself.

And such was the case this morning.

This week, my two elder children, aged 16 and 19 years, have experienced disappointing set backs in their lives - ‘failures’ - and, as a result, both were left feeling deflated, disheartened, and a bit depressed.

I know how they feel. I, like everybody else, have had years of experience with failure - interspersed with success. However, when I was young, I think that failing and dealing with setbacks hurt me more than it does now.

Maybe this is because we feel life more acutely when we’re young. Or, maybe we’ve simply had less experience enduring and recovering from difficult times. Or, maybe when we’re young we have trouble seeing the ‘bigger picture’ of life; the perspective from which we can see that bad times are finite, eventually forgotten, or, with time, re-framed so that we can see the benefit of these painful experiences in teaching us life lessons, or redirecting our lives to a better place or onto a necessary path.

But how, I wondered, could I explain this to my teenage children? How could I convince them that some disappointments and failures are for the best in the long run; failure is an inevitable and necessary part of learning, life, and growth? 

Then I remembered the books I’ve been reading, recently, about fiction writing: Plot-structure, story narrative, character journeys and growth, and themes (meanings).

The template for stories has evolved over millennia to resemble - not imitate - ‘real life’. And stories are frequently told to teach and inspire audiences to persevere in their own life struggles - hopeful and optimistic that they can eventually triumph. Stories can also bring a larger perspective to life events - especially our suffering, disappointments, and failures - and, in this way, they can allow us to see that there may be an overarching ‘meaning’ to it all - to life, the struggles, and all the disappointments along the way; maybe it’s not all just unfair and pointless. Almost all stories come with a deeper, underlying meaning - this is the story’s ‘theme’.

So, stories can do for people what I was trying to do for my children, this morning: they can help us to feel better about the inevitable set-backs of life; they can inspire us to persevere with hope and determination; and they can demonstrate the concept of a ‘bigger picture’ to life - a meaning to it all.

And if you have time, I’ll briefly explain how in this blog.

It’s a complex subject, but I think using the ‘template of stories’ as an analogy will help me to explain why hard times are not always a bad thing in the long run - the ‘bigger picture’ - of life. And, with this philosophy, you may find that failure and disappointments hurt less.

So, here’s how stories work:


The structure of stories:

Firstly, as I mentioned earlier, fiction stories are designed to simulate real-life, not replicate it.

The problems and lessons learned by characters in stories are more obvious and limited in number than in ‘real-life’ - where the problems we face are more often ambiguous, multiple, and poorly understood by us (sometimes a therapist is needed to even define them).

And, as if that wasn’t all difficult enough, the story-lines and problems in real-life usually run concurrently, sequentially, and over-lap with many others happening all at once (multiple acute daily problems superimposed, often, on larger chronic ones).

It’s no wonder, then, that stories of fiction are structured more simply than real life. They need to be if we are going to follow them and see the point they try to make. Real life is a messy noisy din in comparison to fiction - and, as such, the lessons - when they come - are less easy to see.

In fiction, a story-line is constructed as a single narrative thread put under a spot-light. The problems of a character (his weaknesses and the difficulties in his life) are clear to readers, even if they’re not clear to the character. And readers can often relate to the story’s issues - validating their real-life experiences and allowing the story to resonate for them.

So, in this way, stories can reach out and help clarify real life issues and offer a ‘bigger picture’ perspective to life: they can illustrate the benefits of confronting life problems and fighting through them in order to grow and find a more satisfying, authentic path through life.

This last concept will become clearer as I explain the progressive steps that stories follow.


To begin with, stories are written in three main parts, or ‘Acts’. This structure goes back to at least the time of Greek Philosopher, Aristotle, in 350BC. The Three Act structure is as follows:

Act I (the beginning), Act II (the middle), and Act III (the end).


Act I (the beginning):

This is the introduction to the story where we are introduced to the different characters, including: the main actor or ‘hero’ (AKA: the protagonist) - and the hero’s goal, the nemesis or villain (AKA: the antagonist) which can be a person, or something else like an illness, a disability, a storm, an animal or monster - who obstructs and thwarts the success of the hero to achieve his goals, the characters who are allies of the hero (help him achieve his goal), and the world in which they live - the time, place, work-place, family, friends, social structure of the world … and the problems already existing in this world.

So, Act One sets things up to show the audience how the ‘hero’ lived before the story began. The story will subsequently kick the hero around, and his life will get more difficult and challenging before it gets better - but his life before he ventured on his story-journey was already far from perfect. He had problems - whether he was aware of them or not. Maybe he was lonely, miserable, bored, unloved or unloving … but he was too afraid or tired or self-doubting or lazy to attempt to change … or find a better life.

In Act One, our ‘hero’ remains in the ‘shadows’ of his own life. As I’ve explained in other blogs, psychologist, Carl Jung, thought that we all have parts of ourselves in the light (within our conscious awareness) and in the shadows (outside of our conscious awareness).

Our shadow-self (the part we know little or nothing about in our self) may be obvious to other people, even if we are oblivious or refuse to acknowledge it.

For example, in ‘real life’ a man may have a terrible temper and be constantly angry. He may deny he has a problem with anger until he punches someone, of damages property - then the law steps in and forces him into ‘anger-management’ therapy - or even jail. At this time, a dark time for him, he may reflect on what’s happened and come to understand that he is really angry about an abusive childhood, or frustrated about his miserable job, or maybe he just never learned that he can’t get everything in life he thinks he is entitled to. But, the ‘journey’ of the experience - being ‘unaware of his weakness (aggression), acting out his aggression, being punished for it, reflecting and then becoming enlightened about himself and, possibly, learning to control his anger and his behaviour in future - is how he might ‘grow’ as a person and eventually find more happiness in his life. Or not.

This is an example of a real-life story (the ‘or not’ ending - is an example of an ‘anti-climax’ to the story; fiction stories do that sometimes, as well).

Alternatively, a person may have a ‘shadow self’ which is brave, strong, kind, loving, and/or clever. Maybe he never got to see this side of himself because he was never tested before, or he was never given an opportunity to shine and become a more complete version of himself.

Our shadow selves may be strengths, of which we were not aware, as well as weaknesses. We all have both. No-one is perfect. Thank god, no one is expected to be. Similarly, in stories, our heroes are not perfect either. And if they weren’t flawed we wouldn’t believe them, identify with them, or like them much … and they wouldn’t have the opportunity to learn and grow though the story.

So, in summary, the First Act introduces us to the story world in the ‘shadows’(the ‘shadow-world’) before the story begins, the characters - protagonist(s), antagonist(s), allies - and the goal of our hero who will leaves this world (figuratively or physically) on his journey into the scary and fraught world of Act II.


Act II (the middle):

At some point our ‘hero’ is pushed - or pulled - out of his shadow-world to a ‘Point of No Return’. This is a major marker, in stories, occurring at about 1/4 of the way through.

The ‘Point of no return’ is where our protagonist moves into a new world - foreign to him - and he can never go back to his old life. The door to that world is now closed for good.

In this new and unfamiliar world, our hero will be tested and challenged and he will fail many times. This is the ‘Second Act’ (the middle), and it will continue on for half of the story - until we get to the 3/4 mark. 

In his attempt to achieve his goal, the hero will have his progress thwarted and obstructed by the obstacles and counter-forces presented by the antagonist(s). He will fail over and over again. Yet, with each set back he will get up and try again. Gradually, he will be forced to see his own part in his failure; he will discover his weaknesses that were previously in the shadow of his awareness. For example, he may realise that his quick temper alienates his allies and they leave him to struggle alone. He may realise that he’s been too proud to ask for help, when he’s needed it, or to tell those he loves how he feels. He may come to see that he needs to share his life with other people. And, as he learns more about himself - he may also discover the strengths he possesses of which he was previously unaware. He may be surprised to find how much he loves someone or something; he may discover his own courage when faced with adversity and danger; and his wit or intelligence when he’s in a corner or when he’s given the chance to express himself.

Failure, in the story, will teach the hero many things and open up his understanding of himself: strengths and weaknesses. And, as the challenges continue, he will learn to overcome some of his weaknesses and utilise his  strengths.

These lessons about life and ourselves - which stories are designed to explain and show - are expressed well in a famous quote by Albert Einstein - who said:

 ‘Adversity introduces a man to himself.’

Adversity, in real life, challenges us by confronting us with failure and disappointment which then leads us to take a closer look at ourselves, our mistakes, our lives, the paths we’re following  … and consider whether we might need to change and grow.

Real life is a journey; it’s never a solitary and static destination.

Real life is full of changes and challenges - disappointments and failure - struggles and stress - but along the way we grow. Just like the characters in stories. Characters never stay still - or the story would stop. They move physically on their ‘external journal,’ and ‘spiritually’ (increasing emotional intelligence) on their ‘internal’ journey.

The ‘internal journey’ is often about personal growth and the learning of life lessons, as I’ve written in other blogs, which relate to accumulating wisdom. These include complex and abstract concepts like: love, compassion, tolerance, forgiveness, patience … for ourselves as much as for other people. These are hard lessons to learn.

Another famous quote, which supports this understanding of the journey to personal growth through a story, is from Alice in Wonderland, written by Lewis Carroll:

‘It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.’

Life changes us. In stories, the story journey changes the hero. And this is why stories ring true for readers; they resonate and help us to feel understood and connected - through our experiences and reactions and feelings - to other people also struggling through life.

Finally, at the end of all the dramas of the Second Act, our hero comes to his own lowest point - where all seems lost and his journey so far appears to have been for nothing - because he’s failing. Big time! The reader is left to wonder whether the hero will ever be able to continue on towards his goal because the antagonist has grown so strong and the hero appears to be completely overpowered.

This is another major marker in fiction stories, occurring at the 3/4 mark through the story, and known as ‘The Dark Night’.

Our hero has given his all … and he’s losing.

Yet, with this failure he can finally see himself more clearly. He may even have an epiphany, at this point, where something breaks open in his heart and mind allowing him to realise his part in his failures, forcing him to understanding himself more completely. He begins to grasp his dark and weak side and consider what changes he might need to make.

Our hero emerges from the shadows, at the end of the Second Act, to a greater awareness of himself. He can never return to the person he was and his old ways. He now knows what he is capable of.

He reflects on his lowest point - his ‘dark night’ - and considers his future in light of what he’s learned:

Maybe he’ll try again to achieve his original goal - but he’ll be stronger because he has learned from what went wrong. He can change himself or how he goes after his goal.

Alternatively, he might realise that his goal must change from what it was at the start of the story. Maybe what his ‘shadow self’ thought was so important now isn’t. Maybe from all he’s learned on his journey, so far, he has changed his priorities, his values, and, with this, his goal. Or, maybe he’s changed his goal simply because he knows himself better and he is now more clear about where he needs to be in his life.

Either way, the hero will go into the Third Act and he’ll fight with all his renewed strength to reach his goal - whatever that is now. And he will be triumphant … or he will die trying!

(Note: In fiction ‘death’ can refer to a ‘physical’ death - such as injury or fatality, psychological’ death - such as despair or heartbreak, or professional death - such as the loss of a job or a sports dream or similar).


Act III (the end)

So, now we come to the ‘end of the story’( the last quarter) - also known as the Third Act.

Here the hero emerges from the tangled and dramatic shadows of the Second Act (the middle) greatly changed. Many aspects of him have been stripped away and with that has come strength and clarity. He is more sure about his goals; and he knows himself, what he wants, and what he needs to do to get there.

He prepares for his greatest fight, the final marker in the story: Triumph.

The hero and the antagonist clash for the last time. The antagonist is a formidable force, but the hero is also strong because he’s changed and grown through the story journey. He is shackled to his weaknesses no more - they’ve fallen away. He knows his strengths and how to use them. He has new wisdom. The final fight to triumph is hard - but the hero can do it.

The hero wins! (in most stories).

The hero emerges triumphant into a new world where he is happier and more content. This is the path he was destined to follow - where he needed to be in his life. He has also learned much about himself, along the way, and he’s grown in wisdom and integrity.

                               - The End (for stories) -


And, this template for stories, I think, helps us to view our lives as a ‘bigger picture’. The failures and problems in or real lives are part of our own journeys - where we travel physically through space and time (our ‘external journey) - but also we travel in our soul - to grow in emotional intelligence and wisdom (our ‘internal journey’).

Life is really hard at times. For everyone! I’ve been a medical doctor for 26 years and I have never met a single person who has not experienced some really hard times. Show me someone who says their life is always wonderful - and I’ll show you a big liar!

Life challenges all of us - in the noisy and messy din that is the real world. Life can be confusing - and sometimes we can lose sight of a ‘bigger picture’ - or not even know that there is one; as was the case, I think, with my two teenage children this week, dealing with their most recent disappointments and set-backs.

However, problems do generally resolve eventually. And we get to rest for a while and look back to see that maybe those dramas did help us to get where we are now and become who we are now - hopefully someone with greater wisdom and more contentment.

But at the time, in the midst of our own dark nights …

It can be so hard. We can feel so alone.

And then we hear stories of fictional characters. A hand reaches out from the page - the story - and we realise that we are not alone. Our experiences are unique and yet the same. It’s hard but maybe there is a meaning to it all. We may not see that for some time - but we need to have faith that bad times are not forever, we can ask for help, others know how we feel … and with patience … we will come to the end of each dramatic story in our real lives and we will be where we need to be.

We will triumph - even if the ending is not how we thought it might be way back at the beginning. Maybe along the way our goals will change or shift.


My children listened to me explain all this - and I think they understood it all a little. Either way, they will come to learn much in their lives - but learning to deal with failure will be an important lesson. And along the way they will enjoy so many wonderful stories of fiction which will help.


                                            *


These days poems, which also describe the events and experiences in our lives, are less popular than they once were; but in their place some say song lyrics are the modern-day poems. And, with this in mind, I think that the ideas of this blog are summarised so well in the song ‘Hero’.

I was driving home, after the school pick-up, with my seven year old son, Ollie, this afternoon - and I found myself listening to this song - just by chance - in the car. I was focusing on the road - and the lyrics washed over me without me giving them much conscious thought. However, gradually I became mindful of the words and realised that so many artists - song writers, novelists, painters, poets - have understood the philosophy of life and learning lessons and growing spiritually.

So, to sum up the ideas of this blog - which I think these lyrics do - here are the words to the song Hero. (It’s been said that everyone is the hero of their own story).

You may even like to listen to the song and let it inspire you when life gets hard.

“Hero” (Mariah Carey song lyrics)


There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

                           *