New Year's Resolutions: A few tips for success

It's the first day of the new year: Sunday, January 1st 2017.

I always find the changing of the years to be a bitter-sweet time. It's when we become more acutely aware of the passing of time. The passing of our lives. The passing of some opportunities and eras … but also the beginning of new ones. 

At this time, many of us become mindful about the situation of our lives - where we've been, what we’re doing, where we're going - and often we choose to make changes to how we're living. These plans for the coming year are our 'New Year's Resolutions'.

Interestingly, I think that most people would choose not to go back to the past - the years gone by - even if we had the opportunity to be young again. Those times and events have been lived. We've done them. We enjoyed some of them. We learned from the experiences and, as a result, we changed.

I think this concept is expressed well in the famous line from Lewis Carrol’s novel, ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’ (1865):

‘I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.’

Each year we change. Time and events - successful or not - teach us lessons. Gradually we become someone different. With luck, we grow in wisdom. And, as we reflect on each year, we recall the different events - good and bad, pleasant and miserable, easy and challenging - which taught us more about our ourselves, our lives, and life in general. 

So it was for me last night, on New Year’s Eve - as I sat with my family on the rocks which line the beach at the end of my street watching the fireworks exploding into spectacular blooms of colour in the night sky - that I reflected on the past year. It was the first time that I’ve looked back at my life in twelve months.

During that fifteen minutes - as I enjoyed the fiery lights dancing and dazzling overhead, reflecting their colourful display in the ocean, and as I breathed in the smell of the sea carried on the warm summer-breeze - I considered what I’ve learned since last New Year’s Eve. The details of how and why were too many and complex to dissect. But I understood what the events had taught me.

During 2016 I learned that:

- I can’t change other people. I may be able to influence them, to some degree, but I can only make changes and choices in my own life. Even if other people make mistakes - it is their life to make those choices and those mistakes and to then learn from them.

- Success often requires patience. As the Chinese proverb says: ‘You can’t push the river, it flows by itself.’ (The ‘river’ is a metaphor for ‘time passing’). Some things simply take years to achieve - with no certainty, after that time, that they’ll ever succeed. We can simply work hard, hope, have some faith and be patient.

- Some things don’t work out as we planned - but, in hindsight, they often work out for the best. The reasons may be only clear in hindsight and after some space of time. Possibly years.

- We get help when we need it. Often in the form of other people helping us. Often, when we didn’t even ask.

                                             
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The last lesson reminds me of a joke:

A man is drowning at sea miles from the shore during a dangerous storm.

A boat soon passes by and the sailor on board calls out to the drowning man: ‘Grab the rope! I’ll save you!’

The drowning man refuses the rope and, as the giant waves repeatedly wash over his head, he calls back: ‘No thanks! I don’t need your help because God will save me!’

The sailor tries for some time to convince the man to take the rope - but he obstinately refuses - and finally, as the storm is getting worse, the sailor leaves.

Over the next hour another two boats pass the drowning man and each time the sailor on-board offers to throw the man a rope to save him. However, each time the man refuses their help and says: ‘I don’t need your help because God will save me!’ The dangerous storm eventually forces both of the boats to leave the man behind as they head for safety in the harbour.

Eventually, the man drowns.

When the man reaches heaven he is really cheesed off with God. ‘I thought you’d come to save me!’ he yells at God when he finally speaks with him. ‘You didn’t help me when I needed you!’

God replies: ‘I sent you three boats!’

                               *

I like that old joke as it reminds me that sometimes the help I need in my life - whether I ask for the help or not - comes from the words of inspiration of advice I hear from other people; from the help I receive directly from family, friends, professionals, people I just happen to meet at the ‘right’ time, and sometimes in ways I can’t explain (I have had many instances where I have no idea how I survived accidents, illnesses, and so on).

                              *

So, today - New Year’s Day - I didn’t reflect on the past any further. That was all done and dusted last night while I sat on the rocks at the beach and, later, as I strolled home with my family enjoying the festive atmosphere, the balmy night, and all the Christmas lights decorating the houses and gardens along our street.

Today, instead, I considered my plans for the coming year: My New Year's Resolutions for 2017
 
For many people these resolutions involve plans to improve their health, such as quitting smoking or starting a diet. And, good luck if your  resolutions are directed at improving your health. (Although rather than ‘dieting’, I’d advise Googling the ‘Healthy Eating Plate’ - which is based on food and health research and it’s a ‘lifestyle change’ which is far more likely to be successful than any ‘quick-fix diet’).

My New year’s Resolutions - or plans (hopes with a time-frame) - relate as well to improving my health a bit. They are, specifically:

 - eating vegetables every day
I’m ashamed to say that one of my favourite expressions is: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable’.  And even then, I don’t!);

- swimming at least twice each week
I have gym membership and the last time I used my $30/week membership was August! At least it was August 2016. I think each swim is, at this rate, costing me $480. Ridiculous! And, I’m losing any fitness I once had. ($30 X 4weeks X 4 months = $480/swim);

- Write this blog more regularly and finish the books I bought to learn how to write fiction
This is part of my bigger goal - made up of many smaller steps - to learn to write (one day) reasonably well, I hope. I have only about four books left to read.

- Mindfulness - improve this to include meditation
I learned years ago, but I’ve convinced myself that I have no time for meditation because I need to ‘surf the net’. Seriously, I have to! What if there’s a cat playing a piano that I’ve not seen yet … and it’s taken down soon before I get to see it. Then what?! (I’m joking. I don’t need to waste so much time watching movies and surfing the net in my free time) 


                                                 *

You’ll notice my goals all include things which are fairly easy to achieve; there’s only four things on the list and those goals are working to improve the things which psychologists have determined make people happier in their lives (Note - high status and great wealth are NOT on the list).

The ‘happiness-improving’ list includes:

- health,
- friends and/or family,
- achievable goals,
- having a job you enjoy,
- balance in your life (not excessive leisure or work),
- control in your life (not being told when and where and how and with whom you must do things in your life - or else),
- money to a point
People who say money doesn’t matter at all - usually have it! Lots of it! In reality, worrying how you’ll pay the electricity bill, or put food on the table, of pay rent - is a major downer to your happiness.  And, happiness does increase as you earn more income - but only to a point.  Beyond the amount of money that pays your bills and gives you financial security and a little over to play with - it doesn’t endlessly increase happiness.

Up to a level of ~ $100,000/ year, money increases happiness - but not beyond that. So, you don’t need to wait to win the lottery before you can find happiness. And true friends will like you, or love you, regardless of your wallet and credit card.


Many of things on the ‘happiness-list’ were not included in my resolutions as, for me currently, those things are in the ‘good-enough-for-me' category. Also, as I’ll explain, you’re less likely to be successful with your plans if you load them up in a ‘to-do-pile’ which is too large.

You see, willpower is limited. So, no-one has the willpower to achieve endless lists of goals all at once. Maybe ever. And, happily, you don’t need to achieve all those things to be happy and content and have fun.

A wonderful book I recently read on the subject of ‘willpower’ explained this all very well - and the findings in the book were all based on Psychology research. The book is a New York Times best-seller, ‘Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength: Willpower,’ and it was written by Roy Baumeister and John Tierney).

Basically, the book explains how to maximise success with your goals - or New Year’s Resolutions - by increasing how efficiently you use your willpower.

Here’s a quick summary of the 'willpower rules' which might help you to look smugly back on 2017 - on New Years Eve in twelve months time - as you reflect on how successful you were with your plans for the year.

And, hopefully, with your success, you might be a little closer to achieving the happiness and success you've always wanted.

Willpower Summary:

1. Willpower is limited for all of us.
I bet you don’t know anyone who claims to have incredibly good willpower.  And, if you do, they’re bluffing. For ALL of us - even them - it’s limited and it diminishes through the day as we use it up by making many different decisions and doing all the things in our working day which we ‘have to’.

2. Do Willpower consuming things early in the day.
For the reasons explained in No. 1 (see above).

If you get home tired, after a long day at work, it’s probable you’ll have trouble forcing yourself off to the gym. You may even have trouble dragging yourself out of your chair to change the channel on the television, if your day has been really hectic.

Instead, if you do a little exercise in the morning - before work, maybe you could set your alarm a half an hour earlier than usual - you’re much more likely to achieve your goal of exercising regularly.

3.  Focus on one goal at a time - or ‘up to’ only 3 per week.
It’s not surprising that a list of ‘to-do-things’ with 25 items on it makes you want to run away screaming if you even glance at it. It’s too much! You’ll probably not even want to think about the list, let alone start on it. And, you’ll likely feel bad about ‘failing’ at the-list-you-never-want-to-look-at-but-know-it’s-waiting-for-you. It’s not that you’re being ‘lazy’ or lacking in willpower. No-one can do lists with 25 items on them.  Start by choosing the top three items - and just have that as your list to start with.

4. Break goals down into specific sequential steps.
Each tiny step, which you could do on different days or weeks, is do-able and fairly easy.

For example: If you plan to buy a birthday gift for a friend - and you hate shopping for gifts - then break the goal/job into 6 steps: 1.Start with finding a piece of paper and a pen. 2.Decide on a gift and write it down. 3. Drive to the shops and finding gift. 4. Wrap it. 5. Do the same for a card. 6. Give the gift to your friend.

Each step is not too hard.

A goal which is bigger can similarly be broken down into tiny steps. For example, ‘writing a novel’:
Buy a writing book, or book into a local writing class. Read a few pages of the book. Even once each week. Make a few notes. Do the exercises in the book. Gradually, as you do this for a few months, you may join a writing group. Start a blog. Little goals for reading the learning books … As you improve, the fun and passion will drive you on to do more. Or not. Maybe you’ll discover, which each step, something else you love.

Baby steps.

5. Delegate other tasks to other times: Write other ‘to-do’ things on different days on your calendar, in a diary.

Writing your ‘to-do’ lists down so that your sub-conscious will stop nagging you about it.

Studies have found that if we have tasks which we want to do - or need to do - our subconscious will repeatedly remind us about it/them.

The subconscious reminds us in recurring dreams or intruding thoughts - experienced as nagging worries or guilt about the task not done.- all through the day and even at night.  The subconscious is able to solve many dilemmas and solve complex problems however there is one thing the subconscious cannot do - and it requires the conscious part of the brain to do this - so it nags until it’s done. That is: Make specific plans.

So, until we decide on a specific plan about what to do about a problem or a task - with details like time and date and how we’ll do it step-wise - our subconscious will nag. Once the plan is written down - with a date and time and details - our mind can then rest. The worrying and recurring thoughts about the task will stop.

So, if you are lying awake at night constantly thinking about a job that needs doing, it might help to get out of bed and write down a plan for when you’ll deal with the issue and a few details about how. Steps. Dates. A time to start. Write it down. Then you’ll likely find that you can relax and sleep without the same degree of worry.

(*Note: One little exception to the above rule of writing down lists - unless it’s midnight, of course:  If a task takes less than five minutes - just do it now. Don’t add it to any lists. Get it done and finished in the couple of minutes it requires).

6. For dull tasks to half-one hour spaced over days.

Baby steps … and then reward yourself, possibly, once you’ve finished the  ‘dreaded task’ as explained in number (7) below.

7. If X then Y

Okay, so IF you finish half an hour of sorting through the piles of  paperwork - which you’ve been stuffing in to your desk drawer for months - THEN go do something nice for yourself.

You deserve a reward! I say reward yourself often - no-one else probably will. Well, not often enough!

And, for the dreaded-paperwork-sorting-gig, for example, you deserve something you love! Tangible rewards are especially good: A wonderful coffee (Gloria jeans is my go-to-after-doing-something-I -really-didn’t-want-to-do-shop); a long soak in a hot bath - if you’re at home - or when you get home; go buy yourself a new perfume or luxury soap or a nice bottle of wine. You get the picture. Imagine the reward before you start. It will act like a lovely finish-line. Lovely!

8. Delay ‘treats’ until later - but NOT never:

If I told you that you were NOT allowed to think about zebras - guess what? Yes, exactly! You’d immediately think of zebras.

Well, when you tell yourself that you are NEVER to have chocolate or cake or McDonalds - you’ll crave those things even more. Studies have shown this to be true. And, if your goal is to get healthier and eat less sugar or junk food, then you’ll likely binge on junk-food as soon as your ‘willpower’ is low; which is usually after a long day at work or when you’ve just cleaned out a pile of paperwork which you’d been stuffing in your desk for months.

So, a solution to this might be to tell yourself that it is NOT that you can ‘never’ have chocolate, cake or Maccas; just ‘not right now’. Later. Maybe, for example, you could have cake or chocolate on Wednesdays or Saturday nights with a movie or a small chocolate every other day.

The effect of not ‘banning’ things - just ‘delaying’ them - is that the craving will stop. If the item is ‘completely banned’ it will bait you constantly as a craving. Also, if the item is not taboo, you’ll be less likely to binge.

In regards to this, there’s a phenomenon that occurs with ‘dieting’ called the ‘what-the-hell’ phenomenon where people on a diet decide that once their strict dieting-rules have been broken by even a small slip then, ‘What the hell!’ they think,’ I may as well go all out and eat whatever I like for the rest of the day because the diet’s broken now, anyway’.

But, if you allow yourself a little of the craved food regularly - then you’ll not ‘jump ship’ completely, with the sensible eating, and engage in a great binge which will likely see you gain even more weight in the long run.

9. Allocate plenty of time for tasks:

Studies have shown that we all ‘under-estimate’ how long tasks will take.

Yes, it’s really a thing: the ‘things take longer than I thought they would’ phenomenon.

 So, it’s not just you who thinks that a given assignment would take only two hours … but it actually took all day! And now you’re miles behind with the other assignments which you thought could be done this weekend because they’re due on Monday! Oh my God! Aaaargh! You now have to stay up until three in the morning and even then you’ll never get it all done!

I’ve been there and done that so often myself. Yes, I too am a ‘procrastinator’ and I always tell myself that I’ll start earlier next time. And, if only I had just one more day to finish the assignments I would get such a better grade. And then I do it all again the next time!

So, here’s a clue. Start a day or more earlier. Allow for the fact you’ve almost certainly underestimated how long a ten page essay takes! (Speaking of which, I’ve got to go to work at 8am tomorrow morning and it’s now 2.30am! I thought this blog would take me two hours; tops!)

10.Avoid putting yourself in temptation locations:

Your willpower is a limited thing. So, if you buy cake and biscuits and ice-cream - then, when your willpower is running low (after cleaning out the paper drawer of your desk, or after a long day at work or with the kids) - you’ll eat it. And, you’ll blame you’re lack of ‘willpower’. It’s not that, it’s simply because it’s too tempting when you’re tired and the junk food is tempting you. No-one has enough willpower in that setting.

But, as my family started to do a few months ago, if you don’t buy junk food with the weekly shop - but you don’t ban it altogether either (maybe eat it when you have a coffee out, or when you shop buy just one chocolate) - then when your willpower is low you’ll not need to use willpower to avoid the junk-food because you can’t eat what you don’t have! You’ll scavenge your kitchen and find only fruit or toast or weetbix. I know! I’ve done it! And, you don’t tend to binge on those dull foods anywhere near as much. Sugar is a particular problem with binging!

Also, I started using cash, when I’m out, instead of my credit-card. I take out a set amount each week, then leave the credit card at home. I also do my weekly shop - on the day when I take out the cash - and I pay the groceries with cash. That way, I have to really focus on not over-spending in order to stay within the limits of the cash in my purse. I need to allow for unexpected purchases for kids clothes or school books with the remaining weekly cash … so I don’t ‘binge-shop’.

Another weakness of mine (buying things I don’t need at the mall and over-spending) - which is helped a lot by taking away the opportunity to over-spend (my credit card) when I go out for coffee.

11. Commitment contract.
Tell other people your goals and be accountable if you don’t do what you expect or plan. 

For example, If you swear (and your goal is to stop) - put money in a jar if you lapse (unless, of course, you use what I call ‘driving language - when some %*&%$#*-driver pulls out in front of you without looking and you nearly crash! Those situations call for ‘special driving-words’ I explain to my kids. Those words I don’t use outside the car!)

Also, you may reward yourself with money in the jar which you might have spent on cigarettes (if you’re trying to stop smoking. You could used the saved money to buy something you’d really love to have but normally it would be too much a luxury to buy. A holiday maybe. A lovely evening dress. A new car … if you previously smoked a really really lot!)

12. The ‘nothing’ alternative.

Okay, so you’re faced with sorting those desk papers and you really don’t want to. Or you are starting on that essay early - and you’d rather watch television because the ‘last-minute-cram-adrenaline’ hasn’t kicked in yet:

Well, sit in your study at your desk for an hour to do the dreaded task and, if you don’t start doing it, then give yourself only ONE other option: Nothing. You can stare at the ceiling or the wall or the desk - but you can’t do anything else but the dreaded task. Not for the one hour devoted to the task. So, for one hour it’s the paper-sorting, or the essay-writing, or nothing!

Likely within 20 minutes, you’ll start … or die of boredom.


13.Try doing things differently 8am-8pm: Left handed, upright posture.

Our brains get used to behaving in an automatic way. So, if you want to break a bad habit and start a new one - then by changing one thing that you do - then new neural pathways will be formed which help willpower.

So, with breaking bad habits - if you change even one aspect of the habit - it will be easier to quit or change:

For example, if you keep ‘surfing the net’ when you’re meant to be studying - then change ‘one’ detail in your habit. You might change that you can only surf the net outside your study - in the kitchen.

If you eat junk food unconsciously while watching television at night - try changing your routine so that you can only eat the junk food if you stand up. Or if you eat with your left hand.

Try it. Automatic habits will become less automatic and easier to change or stop if you change the routine in any small way.

14.Ordered room and desk creates an ordered way of thinking.
I think this is definitely true.  My desk and my study is a mess. And, I just can’t get my act together finishing my different writing projects.

15.Ask yourself ‘why’ you want to achieve the desired goal - and give yourself a ‘higher and more abstract long-term goal’. This will increase your chances for success.

For example, if you wish to lose weight then instead of telling yourself it’s simply so you might look better in your bikini, tell yourself it’s so you can set a good example of health for your children, and you can live longer and have more energy to be a better mother to them (play more sports with them and go bike-riding maybe with them).

16.Start with little good habits.

Here’s a great thing to know: Once you establish habits, you’ll need very little ‘willpower’ to continue - as your habits will become your new, automatic routine.

So, willpower is really only needed at the beginning. When you are changing your old habits and establishing the new ones.

So, Happy New Year and good luck with whatever you do and plan (not just ‘hope’) for in 2017!