g. Eating Disorders (blog 7) : Recovery (2) Seeking help

This is the seventh blog in my series of blogs discussing Eating Disorders(ED's).

And, in this blog, I will continue with the discussion, which we began in blog six, about recovery.

In the last blog I introduced the topic of recovery, and I made the point that recovery from an ED is a choice.  And, until a sufferer of an ED chooses to engage in their own recovery - no-one else can 'make them well.'

So, if you suffer with an ED, you might read my blogs about ED's and recovery - but the blogs per se will never get you well until you choose to let go of the ED.

And, for anyone reading these blogs who is trying to help someone else to recover from an ED - understand that you cannot force that person to recover.  Instead, what might be helpful is for you to try to inspire them with reasons to get well.
  
For example, you could suggest that they might like to engage in a  new hobby or interest - even if for a very short while at first. Alternatively, they might like to resume some of the activities which they used to enjoy before the ED. And you could help them with this. In fact, ED's often cause the sufferer to be indecisive and lack motivation - so you could be very helpful here - getting things started - and, possibly, doing most of the work at first.


The effect of spending regular time engaged in activities away from the ED are twofold for the ED sufferer:

- Firstly, it gives them something to think about outside of themselves (which will help to lift their mood. Introspection increases negativity, and depression, and a sense of hopelessness). 

- And, secondly, it will help to redevelop a part of themselves (their personality and 'self') separate to the illness.

Later, as the sufferer of the ED achieves a higher degree of mastery in these hobbies or interests, they will notice that their self esteem will improve.  And, eventually, they might even decide to replace the ED with their growing ambitions and achievements in the hobby or other interest. This would then give them a reason to choose to recover.  It would give them something to strive for - away from the ED.  An achievable goal.  Something to value and master in their life - which, while suffering with an ED - can become barren and without direction or purpose.

Sufferers of ED's are usually very competitive and determined - and if they can pursue a hobby, or a sport, or career goal which is incongruent with having an ED - then this can become a good reason to recover.

And, for anyone suffering with an ED - but reading the above few paragraphs about 'another person' caring for an ED sufferer and helping them - if you currently don't have anyone to help you in this way - then consider helping yourself with these interests and hobbies outside of the illness.

Often, in my life, I have had to give to myself the things which other people were not available to give me, or chose not to give me. You could always do this - for yourself - if need be.

For example, many years ago I  made a tape - which I played over and over in the tape deck of my car as I drove to work.  The tape was my own voice - telling me that I would pass my specialty paediatric exams.  I had no-one who would tell me that I would pass. And I needed someone to reassure me and inspire me to keep studying - and help me to believe that I could pass - because the pass rate for the physician exams is very low. Many of my colleagues had already failed the exams, and many of them were never able to pass. 

So, because no-one at home would reassure me - I made my tape reassuring myself.  I told myself, on the tape, that I would pass, and I would do better than I thought.  I also visualised myself passing.

And I passed.  Thanks me!

I have also had to give myself kindness and encouragement, when I had no-one around to give me that during my teen years living in an abusive house (explained in earlier blogs - and unrelated to this topic.  I digress … again.)

So, you can be for yourself, at least at first, if need be, the carer to yourself - getting hobbies started.  Tiny steps, remember.  Pat your own back with every little step that you make towards your own recovery. Even getting out your guitar - could be a step.  Next week you might just strum it once.  Another step.  Or, you could get out your old paints.  Or find a telephone number - to join a hobby-group.  Just get the number.  That is a step. A start.  Well done.


Returning to the idea of replacing the ED with other interests or hobbies - this is what I did when I recovered from my ED.  In fact,  the main reason that I gave up my ED, when I was 16 years old, was because I wanted to be able study harder - in order to get into university.

I really enjoyed studying, and learning things, and achieving high grades, and I wanted to go on to university and get a degree. However, in the senior years of high-school, my ED was beginning to negatively effect my ability to study because I was constantly hungry - and I was having trouble sleeping because I would lie in bed at night starving. 

So I made the conscious decision to stop the ED.  

I realised that I couldn't do as well as I wanted to, in high school, while I had the ED.  I knew that I must choose.  I couldn't do both. I chose to quit the ED.  And from that moment I put all of my focus and energy and determination into study. I refused to let myself consider weight anymore.  When people commented on how much weight I had gained (although I was still in the healthy weight range - BMI 19-25), and how they hardly recognised me - I grit my teeth - and refused to relapse into the ED.  I chose to simply change the subject and talk about something else. Anything else. 

Eventually, it all got easier - and I eventually forgot about the ED - because I was too focused and busy studying and playing sport and socialising. (an understanding of how this works - can be found in the last blog which discusses 'neuroplasticity': the way the brain changes itself)

A friend of mine used a similar strategy to persuade her daughter to abandon her ED.  My friend's daughter loved sports and she had enjoyed triathlons before she developed an ED.  So, my friend encouraged her daughter to compete in triathlons again.  However, her daughter found that she could not compete as well as she wanted while she was suffering with the ED (she was, typical of ED sufferers, very competitive). So she chose to give up the ED - and, instead, focus on winning triathlons.  She recovered and she never suffered with an ED again.


Again, to anyone reading this blog wondering how you can help someone with an ED to recover - here are a few other suggestions:

a. You could help to buoy their self esteem (which is usually very very low during the ED - as I have explained in earlier blogs).

b. You could also let them know that you love them (even if you hate the ED and the ED behaviour).  You can stress to them they are not the ED. The ED is a mental illness and separate to them as a person.

c. You could talk about issues and topics unrelated to the ED:  Gardening.  Stories - true and fiction.  Important world events.  These discussions away from the ED again allow the ED sufferer to focus outwards - which is known to help people feel less depressed.  Introspection increases depression, and negative thinking, and focus on weight and numbers and other aspects of the ED.

d. You could reassure them that you will be there for them - always.  And, when they are ready to work towards recovery, you will help them and support them, and love them - every step of the way.  Even through all the set backs, and slip ups, and the many times they might need to try again.

e. You could hug them, and sit with them, and read with them, and watch television with them, and go for walks on the beach, or in the garden, or around the wards of the hospital (if need be - and as I often did with my daughter), and you can be a friend to them.  Even while they're ill, and not yet ready to choose to recover, you could help help them to start to build their life away from numbers and calories and depression and anxiety.  Patiently. Calmly. 

I did all of that with my daughter.  And, when she was ready to recover, I was still there.  And she knew that I wouldn't push her. I would help her in any way that I could. Patiently.  At her pace.

One nice thing that my daughter enjoyed, while she was still ill and not yet ready to recover, was to build a little garden in a corner of our backyard.  Before the ED she had enjoyed gardening.  So, I didn't wait for her to agree,  I just got things started. She was indecisive when I discussed the project with her. So I became the project manager - and I swept her along with me and my enthusiasm. 

We went to the nursery together - and we chose some plants. She had trouble making decisions - so I helped her. But, as we built the garden - her enthusiasm grew.  She started to make more decisions about the garden.  She had a reason to go outdoors and enjoy the sun on her face and her back - as she toiled away - pulling out weeds, trimming grass, watering seedlings.  She nurtured the little garden. She watched it grow, and change with the seasons.  She began to remember what it felt like - to enjoy a garden. And, with that, she found some moments away from the ED thinking. And, she found a little sunshine in her dark world - where she had suffered alone with the illness.

Recovery from an ED is a slow process. It often takes years.  It just does.  You can't force it.  As the Chinese proverb states: You can't push the river, it flows by itself.  But, once the sufferer of the ED is ready to recover - then all of your encouragement, and help, and love, and support will be invaluable to them.  They will also have learned to  trust you.  Trust your unconditional love.  (Note:  I hated my daughter's illness.  It drove me nuts!  I just knew that she was not the illness.  And I always loved her.)

In the meantime, before they are ready to recover, you could also help them to remain hopeful that recovery is possible - once they are ready to choose it.


I will write a blog, in this series, discussing more issues relating to the support and help that friends or family members can give to sufferers of ED's.  We can go into all of these issues in more depth at that time. We can also look at issues related to taking care of yourself - as the 'carer', or 'long-suffering and patient friend' of an ED sufferer.

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So, choosing to recover from an ED is similar to a smoker choosing whether or not to stop smoking.  All the talk in the world will never work - if the smoker chooses to continue to smoke. Twenty six years working as a medical doctor has taught me this. But, be reassured that people quit smoking all the time.  Once they are ready.  And, with help from other people and doctors and support groups.  And, sometimes, they slip up and relapse - but successful quitters try again.  And again …

On that smoking analogy - and as an example and an inspiration to anyone hoping to recover from their ED (or smoking, for that matter) - my grandmother smoked a packet of cigarettes each day - until she was in her 70's.  But then she developed pneumonia and bronchitis and, after that, she chose to quit smoking.  Just like that.  And she never smoked again.  She lived into her 80's. Her reason to stop - was her ill health secondary to the smoking.  
So, once she could see a good reason to choose to recover.  She stopped when she was ready.


And to sufferers of ED's, and as a former sufferer of an ED, I say again to you that nothing and no-one can get you well again - until you choose to recover.

But complete recovery is entirely possible - no matter how long you've been ill, or how severely ill you've been.

You will need to actively work at recovery.  We will go through those steps in these blogs. As I've said, it is similar to someone stopping any other addiction: smoking, alcohol, drugs, gambling.

The process of recovery takes:
many small steps, perseverance, resilience after set backs, coping with frustration, hope, positive thinking, self-belief, determination, and usually help from other people. 


The good news is that the power to recover rests with you.

The bad news is that the power to recover rests with you.

Recovery will require, from you, courage, determination, focus, trust and work.


So, as I discussed at length in the last blog, some of the things which might help you to commit to recovery (similar to recovery from other addictions) include:

* - Finding a reason to recover (I will write a blog about finding your passion in this ED series);

* - realizing that life beyond the illness is so much better than the living-hell in which you now struggle; and

* -believing that recovery is possible - no matter how severely ill you are - or - how many years you've been suffering with the ED.



Another reason that I know you can recover from your ED, and avoid relapse, is that I know what your strengths are:

Your strengths - which keep you ill with the ED - are also the strengths which you can use to recover.

Anyone with an ED requires certain personality traits to continue the illness.  These include being:  industrious, competitive, determined, persevering, conscientious, resourceful, dedicated, determined, analytical, hard working, intelligent, focused. 


Beyond the illness, once recovered, these personality traits will allow you to excel in almost anything that you choose to do. These traits can be a wonderful asset to you.  They can bring you much happiness and many rewards in your life.  You just need to learn to redirect them towards positive and healthy goals.

I can teach you that.  I did it.  My daughter did it.  You can do it.  You can!

I will mention here, before I continue, that when I say that you can be 'successful' and excel in your chosen pursuits and passions - I do not mean that you should aspire to being 'perfect'.

The 'perfectionism' trait, which you also possess - if you suffer with an ED, is a barrier to your recovery and we discussed turfing that in blog seven of this series (Escaping the Perfectionism prison). 

Perfection is not necessary for success in life - thank goodness!

Perfection is not even possible. 

Nothing and nobody can ever be 'perfect'.  And nothing and nobody needs to be 'perfect'. Perfect - is an abstract, moving target which doesn't exist. It is a horrible illusion which will kill you if you force yourself to try to achieve it.

Fortunately 'average' is just fine. In fact it is more than fine.  It is my favourite word in the English language!  I learned to love the word 'average' when I gave up trying to be 'perfect', many years ago, and when I let go of my ED.  Both things happened at about the same time. No coincidence.

Accepting and loving 'average' is an incredibly liberating experience!  It is one of the keys to freedom and happiness and 'success' in life.

And, as we discussed in earlier blogs in this series, don't fear failure. 

Failure, in life, is a bit like falling over as you learn to ski.  It's an inevitable part of the learning process. 

In fact, we usually learn our best lessons from failing and making mistakes.  We are human beings - not infallible machines.  Everyone fails and makes mistakes. Daily. Although, some of us are better at bouncing back - and trying again. 

And, the degree to which we persist in trying again - is a measure of our resilience and perseverance.  Fortunately, both of these skills, which contribute to our emotional intelligence (EQ), can be learned and improved with practice.

And, as I have mentioned in earlier blogs, it has been estimated that success in life is much more determined by EQ than IQ (academic intelligence).  So, while IQ can't be changed much - EQ certainly can - with choosing to practice skills like resilience, perseverance, CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy), removing 'perfectionism' - and having the courage to try new things - and change your responses and behaviours in life.

I have briefly discussed these concepts in earlier blog in this series - but a psychologist or/and a psychiatrist could teach you these skills.  Most of the skills involved can be taught quickly in only a few sessions - unlike the relatively old-fashioned psychoanalysis - which used to go on and on for years.

Alternatively, or in addition to seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist, you could read about the principles involved in changing the way you see life, and learning to become more resilient and positive, in the many books available which discuss and teach these concepts. 

A great author in the area of Wellness Psychology is the American psychologist Dr Martin Seligman.  Some of his wonderful books include: Authentic happiness, What You Can Change and What You Can't, Flourish, Learned Optimism: How To Change Your Mind and Your Life.  

Or, you could read and learn positive thinking in the many articles and courses available on-line - which teach CBT, resilience, positive thinking and so on.  You could google any of those topics and learn, and then practice, the fairly easy concepts yourself - at home.

Or, you could use any combination, or all, of the above - to learn how to improve your EQ - which will help not only with your recovery from an ED, but it will also help you to cope with life's stresses in a more positive and healthy and successful way.

Improving your EQ is a wonderful way to find more happiness and contentment in your life.  And, for me, that is the definition of 'success' in life.


Personally, I regret none of the mistakes that I've made through my life.  Mainly, because I've never completely given up after any episode of failing - and there have been many, many episodes of failing for me.  Oh, dear.  Don't even get me started … 

However, my reaction to mistakes and failures is as follows:

- I let myself recover and rest for a while, before I attempt to 'bounce back, after different failures and mistakes;

- I reflect on things and decide if it all really matters anyway (often it doesn't), and I decide if I want to try again - and, if so, I consider how I might do things differently next time;

- I lick my wounds (which usually involves, for me, a short time for distraction: watching television, going for a swim or a walk, self-nurturing - I get myself a nice big piece of chocolate cake and a hot mug of coffee and something interesting to read);

- I restore my 'self-esteem': I reframe how I see events - 'maybe my mistakes and set backs were not so bad'. Or I simply laugh at myself or the events - using humour to see a funny side - if I can possibly find one.  And I usually can.  And I remind myself that I don't have to be perfect. Average is fine;

- I remind myself that things usually work out eventually - even following bigger failures and mistakes in the past.  In fact, I can't even remember my mistakes and failures from last month, let alone last year.  And many of my disappointments turned out for the best. In fact most of them did;  and

- I forgive myself.  I know that I did the best that I could - at the time - with the knowledge and experience that I had back then.  And when I knew better, I  did better.  My mistakes and failures brought to me wisdom and experience which allowed me to better handle difficult situations in the future.

- and then I bounce back - and try again. 


You will develop your own system of dealing with failure and disappointment in life.  Sure, these difficult experiences can be painful and hard - but you can learn to cope.  In a healthy way.  And you will need to - so that you don't resort to your old unhealthy maladaptive coping styles - associated with your ED.  Or resort to the associated addictions of ED's (as discussed in earlier blogs): drug abuse, alcohol abuse.

But, you can do it.  Patience.  Practice.  Perseverance. Proficiency!

In my life I have come to see failure as an opportunity to learn many things:  compassion, humility, forgiveness (of myself as much as anyone else), tolerance, patience, technical skills ...   

A nice little adage to summarise all of this is:

'Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor.'


And this discussion, about mistakes and learning, might be a positive way to see your ED.  Many things have happened to lead to you developing an ED: genes, media, society, your choices.  However, with recovery - and all the little set backs which you will probably experience along the path back to health - you will learn many lessons.  Maybe - compassion for others who suffer (as I did), hope, perseverance, positive thinking, resilience, CBT … and you might learn to let other people help you.


Which brings me to the second step in the path to recovery:  Ask for - and accept - help from others.


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2. Ask for help

Recovering from an ED is not simply a matter of 'choosing to eat' - and then you're fine. 

This is obvious to anyone with an ED.  However, for anyone who doesn't have an ED - this may not be so obvious.  Like anyone suffering from any other mental illness, such as depression, recovery is not simply a matter of 'snapping out of it' and suddenly 'remembering' how to be entirely well again.

If only it was that simple!

But, it isn't.

Back in the real world - recovery from an ED will depend on you:
- deciding to let go of the ED;
- having the courage to learn other more adaptive methods of coping with stress and anxiety;
- letting go of all of the rituals and rules around food and weight, and, usually, - asking for help from other people - and allowing them to help you.

If you have an ED - you may feel very alone in the world right now.

Even if you are with other people, it is likely that they don't understand how you feel and how hard it is for you to recover. They probably don't understand how scared you are of letting the ED go - and moving forward in your life without it.

And, if you mix with other people who also have ED's, you may feel that they are not the ones to talk to about recovery.  And, you are right.  Misery does like company.  Other people who are sick with ED's may envy you recovering and moving away from them in your life.  And they may also envy you moving forward in your life.  Growing up.  Stepping out into the world - and finding happiness and attaining mile-stones which they may never achieve.

They won't be the ones for you to look to for help.  Their worries and 'advice' to you may sabotage your efforts to recover.  They may not deliberately undermine your efforts to become well and healthy; their behaviours may be driven by their subconscious fears and thoughts. However, if they choose to remain ill - then they are in no position to help you.


So, where would you go to find help with recovering from the ED?


The people who can help during the process of recovery fall into two main groups:

1. Medical professionals: 

Doctors (general practitioners, paediatricians, physicians, psychiatrists), psychologists (especially ones with training in the area of ED's), dieticians, social workers, and nurses.

These professionals will be necessary to:

a.  Make the initial ED diagnosis (ie Anorexia nervosa, Bulimia nervosa, Binge eating disorder).

b. Arrange the rest of the medical 'team' to help you recover: psychologist, counselor, social worker, dietician, physician, paediatrician and so on. 

As I have explained in the blogs in this series, ED's are complex medical and psychological disorders - and, as such, the medical care required for treatment and recovery will generally involve a multi-disciplinary team.

You won't necessarily need all of the health professionals listed above - but linking in to one - will then lead you to the others - when you are ready for them.
 
- For example, if you first sought help from a psychologist (preferably specialising in ED's) - they will help you deal with the psychological issues associated with the ED's, and with recovery, as we have discussed through this blog series; but they will also weigh you, and calculate you BMI and, if your weight is dangerously low, or if you have been engaging in behaviours, such a purging, which can be associated with a number of health complications, they will arrange for you to see a physician to stabilise your physical condition as well.

- Alternatively, if you first sought help from a physician or general practitioner (GP) - they will restore and stabilise your physical health, and support you emotionally while you recover from the ED, but they will also arrange counselling with a psychologist/psychiatrist or counsellor - at some point during your treatment and recovery - in order to help you to learn the psychological skills and coping strategies necessary for a full recovery from the ED, and avoidance of future relapse.

The physician or GP may also involve a dietician and clinical nurses to help in your care - at different times during your treatment.

As I have explained in earlier blogs, there are many dangerous physical and mental complications associated with ED's - which need professional help to safely and adequately treat. 

Even the process of gaining weight can be fraught with problems - such as the dangers associated with the 'refeeding syndrome' - if weight is regained too quickly from a state of severe malnutrition.  This can be fatal if not recognised and treated properly.

It is important to appreciate that ED's, and their treatment, are very complex.  They are serious mental and physical illnesses which frequently result in death.
Successful treatment and recovery will, therefore, generally require professional help.


In Australia I would suggest that your first step would be:

1.  Book an appointment with a general practitioner (GP)
2.  Tell the receptionist, when you make the booking:
   a.  that you want to make a 'long appointment' and
   b. you want to arrange a 'Mental Health Treatment Plan' (MHTP). 

This will fast track things for you on arrival at the clinic.

The MHTP, in Australia, will allow the GP to arrange up to 10 rebatable psychology sessions for you. 

3. You can then book to see a psychologist (preferrably one trained in ED's) and the cost for these sessions will be mostly covered by medicare.  The gap is usually nominal.

4.  If you are acutely ill, or if your weight is extremely low, or if you feel unwell or 'out of control with purging' or  extremely depressed or suicidal with - then I would recommend that you attend the Accident and Emergency (A&E) department immediately.

In my case, with my daughter, her medical condition became unstable very early in her illness - within around six weeks of the onset of her ED - while I was still waiting for her first psychology appointment.

Her weight was very low (BMI < 15) and she hadn't been drinking much water over a couple of days - so I brought her directly to the A&E department.  From there the paediatricians admitted her to hospital immediately.  They then arranged all of the medical team who would help her to recover:  psychiatrists/psychologists, dieticians, social workers, nurses, and so on.

I would advise that you seek professional help as soon as soon possible (pick up the phone today) - if you suspect that you, or someone you know, has an ED.  The sooner that treatment begins - the easier recovery will be - as patterns of behaviour and thinking will be less entrenched early on.


2. A Non-professional support network:

Friends without ED's (even just one support person is fine), family (if they are supportive), a support group(s) or social groups (ie. sports, hobbies, volunteering), and so on.

Having someone to confide in, and to support you during your recovery, is likely to help you to successfully overcome the ED. 

Other people can:

- help to cheer you up - if you feel down or frankly depressed or anxious; 
- console you and encourage you - during any set backs - which are very likely to occur from time to time during your recovery; 
- help you to relearn 'normal' eating behaviours: you can watch them eat meals  and remember healthy portion sizes, more 'normal' eating behaviours, and you can practice eating in front of other people again;
-  help you to catch up on social milestones in your life - which you may have missed through being ill; 
- help you to re-establish social connections and networks - and practice socialising again.

You'll improve in all of these things with practice.  Starting with little steps - and having the support of someone else to cheer you on, and reassure you - will help you to recover.

Actually, having people around you (without ED's - while you are recovering) is a great buffer to life's hard times anyway.  We all need people to cheer us up and help us at different times in our lives. ED's or not. 

And, just think, when you recover, you might be able to help other people in the same way.  Just as I hope that I'm doing now - following my own recovery many years ago.

That is one of the wonderful things about friendships and helping others. 

And, in case you're reading this and thinking that your friends have mostly disappeared since you became ill - especially if you've been ill for a long time - just know that this situation will improve as you recover. You will rediscover friendships - as your thinking recovers, and as your self esteem recovers, and as your depression lifts, and as your illness resolves.

When I was ill with an ED I felt very alone in the world.  My self esteem was in my boots.  I couldn't imagine that anyone would want to be around me. But, I can now tell you that a low self esteem, and becoming isolated in your life, is just a part of the illness.  That is related to the ED.  Not to you.  Before the ED - you very likely had a number of friends, and relationships with other people.

For me, and I'm sure it will happen for you as well, once I recovered from my ED - I developed many friendships as a result of becoming more engaged in different activities.  Too many, actually. They say 'it never rains, but it pours'.  Well, it felt like that for me.  I went from one extreme (isolation and loneliness with the ED) to having too many people in my life to get any work done. However,  I also met my lovely husband within about 18 months of recovering. And, he is my best friend in the world and my soul mate.  So, I am thrilled that I recovered when I did.  

My life caught up, when the ED was gone from my life, and I attained all of the milestones that I'd missed while I was ill.  You will too.

For now, however, just trust me when I say that you are very lovable.  You deserve to have a lovely life.  You deserve to be loved. The ED might tell you otherwise - but the ED and the associated thinking of it - are 'mental disorders'.  They are faulty wiring in your brain - which can be remedied. And, as the ED is removed from your life, the world will appear to you a much happier and kinder and more lovely place than you can imagine now. Your life destiny will be waiting for you.  It is never too late to recover and live a lovely life.

You will see that I am right - once you're well again. 
 
Once the ED is gone - you'll find lovely friendships; exciting hobbies and interests about which you can feel passionate and excited; you'll discover wonderful places in the world to visit and explore - even within your own city or state; you'll develop challenging and interesting goals to master and enjoy; you'll open your life, again, to kind people who you will love - and who will love you right back .  Most importantly, you'll learn to love yourself. And, that is the most fundamental love of all.  That is where your happiness and contentment in life will start.

For now, be patient.  Work to recover.  And trust me that the sun will return to your life as you recover from the ED. 

Recovery could take some time - many months, or even years, sometimes. You will need to be patient, remain hopeful and determined, plod in little steps towards a full recovery, and seek help from other people - and allow them to help you.  


The support from other people may vary along this journey to recovery.  For example, the supportive people in your life early on in your recovery may be mostly medical professionals.  However, as you continue to recover, and your self-esteem improves, and your physical health and mental health improves - you may find yourself pursuing more goals - and the supports may become more often the friends and colleagues that you have during these activities. 

Gradually the medical side will scale back until it is no longer needed. And, when that happens, you will be ready and skilled to carry on coping and building your life and your relationships yourself. Your life will evolve as you recovery. Slowly. 

But other people can be there with you, journeying beside you - every step of the way. 

And that can be lovely and necessary. Your lesson here might be to learn to ask for help, and learn to accept help.  At least until the time when you are well again. I think that lesson was one I learned begrudgingly.  I had to let other people help me - sometimes.  That is a part of life for all of us.


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For the next blog - in the ED series - I will look at the next step in recovery - Recovery step 3: Avoid diets forever.  

Seriously.  Diets are your enemy.  I will explain this in the next blog.  And, just to give myself some credibility - to all those women out there who think such a subject is 'crazy talk' - I have never never ever ever dieted again since I recovered from my ED in my teens.  And my weight has remained exactly the same as it was in my teens - for all of my adult life. Even after having four children - and now 30 years on.  (My BMI is in the healthy range: 19 − 25). 

Diets don't work.  And diets will lead to an ED relapse.  Diets will also make you miserable.

More on that in the next blog ...


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Jazz night

We feel like we're entering an alien world. Far from the harried and overly-scheduled life that we inhabit out in the suburbs.  As busy parents to four school-aged children, and as medical doctors to 20,000 patients - this sojourn into the cool nocturnal world of music and the arts is a delicious and refreshing escape.

We step into the dark interior of an open doorway, and we climb a poorly-lit and narrow staircase. At the top of the stairs we walk down a short corridor into a room which is ready and waiting for the start of the concert.

The room is large and cold. It smells musty and, like the staircase, it is dimly lit.  The space feels like it would rarely be touched by sunshine, or inhabited, during the daylight hours.

The ambiance is cool and retrospective.  The room appears to exist in an era long forgotten by the rest of the city:  Specifically the 1930's - when jazz ruled.  Louis Armstrong is playing on the hi-fi system as we enter.  Antique chandeliers hang from the lofty ceilings. The walls are covered in faded cream wallpaper and  decorated with large, framed black and white photographs.  Four long rectangular windows look down into the alley-way - from whence we have just come.  Warm golden light  filters into the room, from the streetlights below, glinting off dust on the grubby panes.  The floor is cold grey polished concrete.  A low, polished-oak stage is positioned at the front of the room - partially covered by a faded burgundy oriental rug. Dark polished-oak furniture is scattered throughout:  an eclectic assortment of rectangular and square tables, long benches, chairs and, in a back corner, sits a long polished-oak bar with bar-stools positioned along it.  Large mirrors, and wooden shelves filled with liquor, cover the wall behind.

My first impression of the room is one of genteel poverty.  Although, with this,  there is also a lovely exotic feeling of art and passion and bohemian chic . 

The measly  $5 entrance fee is enough to explain the situation of the relatively shabby room. However, we are also aware that most  artists barely scrape together any sort of living from their craft - no matter how talented and hard-working they are - and no matter what the nature of their art:  writing, painting, dancing, or music.

The musicians tonight will play for their art and their love of what they do - rather than play for money. I know this, but, just out of interest, I scan the room and judge that the audience numbers around 40 or 50 people.  I calculate that that would result in a grand total of $250 door-takings for the four member jazz quartet playing 2 sets over 90 minutes. Plus, add to that the time required for them to rehearse, the petrol required for them to travel here, the venue rental, advertising for their show, and parking …

I estimate that the musicians would be lucky to simply break even.

So, the jazz musicians will play for their art, and their passion, and their love of music.  And for little else.  Maybe a beer or two from the bar.
 
Yet, I understand that their art is something which they need to do in their life. And like most artists they must share their creations with others.  That is the nature of art.  And the joy so derived is worth all of the work. I know that without their artistic craft their lives would be a pale existence.  Their souls would be unable to truly live. 

And so they must accept the price required for the opportunity to engage in their craft.  Their music.  Their gifts to share with us - their audience.  Their music adds depth and excitement and joy  to our lives as well.

Their art unites us.

My husband and I find a seat,  at the front of the room, on an old wooden bench.  We are seated directly in front of the band - who are almost ready to begin.  Yellow lights are projected onto them from the floor, near to the front of the stage. I notice that their ages range from  late 30's to mid 50's.

Their jazz quartet comprises: guitar, saxophone, drums, and double-bass.  They're all casually dressed, as if afterwards they will do their weekly grocery shop, or clean out the shed.  Or, maybe, on their meagre incomes as artists, this is all that they can afford to wear - even when performing. They're dressed in jeans, track-pants, sandshoes, and casual open-necked cotton shirts. 

My husband, a lover of jazz guitar - tells me that the guitarist playing tonight is world-class and he points to his black guitar.   He tells me the name of the guitar … at which time I completely zone out and stop listening … as it all means nothing to me. I find the 'names' of things unimportant to my enjoyment of them. He then informs me that the guitar would cost over $10,000.  Now, I  zone right back in!  That amount of money registers and I will remember that  information-gem forever. Wow!

We inspect the other instruments in the band.  They all appear to be extremely high quality and terribly expensive.  I imagine that these instruments are the most valued possessions in the musician's lives.  Their portals to another world in which creativity and music are all that exist.  A world in which they become one with their music. I imagine that their instruments, once they begin to play, will become appendages to their  bodies.  Extensions of themselves - body and soul.

Before the quartet begin my gaze shifts briefly to the audience.  They crowd around  small tables and chat and laugh softly between themselves.  They drink wine from tall glasses, or designer beers from stylish dark bottles - which also litter every surface. The room is warmed and brought to life by their cheerful presence.

The audience are an integral part of the cool ambiance. Young women with short black hair wear short black dresses, or chic slim line pants and crop jumpers.  The young men are dressed in stylish black or grey linen pants with sleek black jackets or open neck shirts.  Many of the young crowd appear to know each other.  And, they all seem to know the young doorman taking the $5 from newcomers as they enter.

 The older set are aged from their mid 30's to late 60's.  They look cool, as well, wearing mostly black.  Some appear to be channeling the beatnik era of the 1960's.  They wear berets (seriously), and slim-line black crop slacks and crop jumpers.  One older gentleman has his long grey hair pulled up into a neat bun on the top of his head.  If smoking were permitted I'm sure that I would see long line cigarettes and a haze of smoke would intensify the whole 'cool' experience.

Suddenly, music explodes from the amplifiers:  A primitive and powerful rhythm from the drums and the double bass.  I can physically feel the vibration of the sound waves pulsating through my skin and my body. My ears rapidly adjust to the abrupt change in sound intensity.  The blast from the amps is a shock - like jumping into an icy pool.  Invigorating - but still a jolt.

The guitar now storms into the mix:  powerful, melodic, beautiful, soaring.  It takes us to another place.  Another world beyond this stuffy room.  A passionate world somewhere lovely and timeless. Our souls dance in this musical place.  We soar and sway and let ourselves become carried away with the music. The saxophone joins in - raspy, commanding, melodic  … lovely.

The different musical numbers begin with a clear melody and, once that melody is understood and anticipated, the different musicians leap away into their individual improvisations and only a faint reflection of the original tune remains.  Each solo is followed by an appreciative clap from the audience.  Our admiration at the skill, and the passion, and the dedication of these musicians - who we know earn close to nothing for all of their work and amazing abilities - is expressed, we hope, in our clapping.  And our silence.  We are captives of their music.  Their skill.  Their world.

And, finally, the last number is rock.  And I love that the most.  My heart feels like it will burst as the music sweeps over me and through me and … I am far away … with the music.  One with the rhythm and the soaring guitar and the ebb and flow and movement of these beautiful notes.

And then it is over.  We clap one last time.  We have paid a measly $5 to attend this evening.  The musicians sold one CD, for $20, and gave another one away.

Such is the life of an artist.

The thrill of the night and the music and the artistic world lingers with me still.  The next day.  A glimpse of another side to life. An artistic place.  Wonderful.


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