This week I thought I'd write about … weddings and marriage
During the week I was chatting to a patient who recently got married and it got me thinking about 'weddings' and what they symbolise and what they mean to us. So I thought I'd write a blog on the topic.
I also thought back to my simple and economical wedding - 25 years ago - in December 1989. I thought I'd briefly allude to aspects of it - as, like other people's family photos, I'm sure the 'details' of my wedding are mostly mind numbingly, eye-wateringly boring to anyone but me. However, my wedding was less conventional in that is was unusually inexpensive - so contrasting it with 'standard practices and costs' may be slightly interesting.
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Weddings
Definitions:
Marriage (Oxford dictionary): The formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognised by law, by which they become husband and wife.
Wedding (Oxford dictionary): A marriage ceremony - by itself or with associated celebrations (i.e. reception).
The word 'wedding' is said to derive from the Anglo-saxon word 'wed'.
The 'wed' was the security placed by the family of the groom with the family of the bride when the betrothal was agreed between the families.
This could happen when the betrothed was as young as two months old. A sort of 'bridal purchasing' practice.
The 'wedding' was the name given to the 'ceremony' that later took place, with the actual marriage.
In a rapidly changing world - frequently adopting new and modern ways of doing things - weddings have seemed to mostly defy the trend for 'change.' They have retained many very old customs and traditions. In this way they root us to our heritage and our ancestors. They give some continuity to our past. They remind us that while many things in the world change - issues related to love and marriage stay constant. The fundamentals of what marriage is about does not change with technology or fashion or politics.
As I read about the meanings behind many of the very old wedding traditions still used in ceremonies today, I noticed that the recurring themes for these traditions relate to many lovely wishes and hopes for the couple in their marriage. Hopes for : love, health, happiness, longevity, fertility, fidelity, prosperity, wisdom, optimism for the future, and good luck.
So, the wedding traditions symbolise the hopes held for a couple in their marriage. These are hopes for - companionship and friendship together; love, kindness and support for each other; trust and faithfulness to each other; that they will each be 'a soft place to fall' for the other one, a 'cheer squad' for each other's successes, someone to share a good joke with or tell an interesting story to, someone to seek good advice from, enjoy a lovely sunset with, and help each other to feel safe, positive and happy. Hopes that the couple will find, in their marriage, a soul mate.
The symbolic meanings behind some of the traditions include:
1. The phrase: 'Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a silver sixpence in her shoe.'
These things symbolised: continuity, optimism for the future,borrowed happiness, fidelity, and wealth or good luck, respectively.
2. Bouquet of flowers:
Early Roman brides carried a bunch of herbs, such as garlic and rosemary, under their veils to symbolise fidelity and fertility and to ward off evil. These herbs served as a precursor to the modern bridal bouquet.
A crown of flowers was once worn by both the bride and the groom.
The blooms were chosen for their meaning: orange blossom for fertility, and roses for love; and combined with herbs: rosemary and sage for wisdom, and garlic to ward off evil spirits.
The button-hole flower worn by the groom is a remnant of the floral crown and it dates back to the custom of a knight wearing the colours of his lady to signify his love.
Flower girls traditionally threw flower petals in the bride's path to lead to a sweet, plentiful future.
3. A white wedding dress:
White wedding gowns are a relatively recent phenomenon - before which almost any colour dress was acceptable, including black - if the intended groom was a widower.
In early Celtic cultures - red was the bridal colour of choice - worn to symbolise fertility.
Early Christians preferred blue - to symbolise truth and purity. Blue was used either for the whole dress or as a band around the hem.
Up until the late 19th century most ordinary women wore their 'Sunday best dress' to their weddings - so the dress could be worn again.
White was almost never worn - as it was impractical.
Dresses were mostly grey - which was considered modest and useful. Brown was also worn quite commonly.
The white wedding dress was a tradition started by Queen Victoria when she married Albert of Saxe-Coburg in 1840.
However, white gowns had been worn by the wealthy and Royalty, long before 1840, as a token of the bride's innocence and purity.
4.Wedding veil:
The bride's veil traditionally symbolised her youth and virginity.
Veils also hid the bride from jealous spirits or the Evil eye.
It was also said that the veil could be used to hide the bride-to-be from the groom until after the ceremony. In 'arranged-marriages' it was thought that by doing this the groom was less likely to do a runner. Once the veil was lifted, after the ceremony, it was then 'too late' for him to run - if he didn't like the look of his new bride. The deal was sealed!
Veils could be red, blue or yellow.
Modern white veils became popular in the Victorian era - symbolising purity and modesty.
A white veil, like a white dress, also showed that the bride was wealthy enough to wear white.
5. Wedding rings:
Wedding rings are often placed on the 3rd finger of the left hand because ancient Egyptians believed the vein in that hand (which the Romans called the 'vein of love' or 'vena amoris') ran directly to the heart.
The first recorded 'diamond ring' dates back to 1477 when the Archduke Maximilian of Austria gave one to his fiancee - Mary of Burgundy.
Diamonds, for an engagement ring, symbolise pure and eternal love.
The event which led to separate engagement and wedding rings occurred in the 12th century - when Pope Innocent III (1160-1216) declared a waiting period should be observed between betrothal and marriage.
6. A wedding cake:
A wedding cake is traditionally a symbol of good luck and fertility. It has been a part of wedding celebrations since Roman times when a small bun, symbolising fertility, was broken above the bride's head at the close of the ceremony.
This is somewhat similar to the later custom of throwing rice, at the end of a wedding ceremony, to symbolise fertility, prosperity, and bounty.
In the middle ages the custom was for the bride and groom to kiss over small cakes.
7. The tradition of the groom standing on the right of the bride:
This was so the groom could have his right hand, his 'sword hand', free to fight or defend against a jealous rival.
8. Church wedding:
Before the church declared marriage to be a 'sacrament' (symbolic religious ceremony of Christianity), couples often sought sacred places in nature to wed, such as a hill top or cliff, where the earth supposedly meets heaven.
9. Wedding invitations:
In England, before literacy rates were high, invitations to weddings were shouted out by 'bidders,' who were old men hired to announce the details of the wedding.
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So how much will a wedding cost? - I hear you whisper nervously. A lot! Although, they don't have to.
My own wedding in 1989 cost a total of ~ $1600. This was economical even for 25 years ago. The cost was less than two weeks intern pay.
The wedding and reception were lovely - and it all took me only four weeks to arrange - while working in my intern job full time, and with no family to help me.
Twenty-five years later I'm still married to my soul mate and best friend. Great wedding. Great marriage. Not expensive. It can be done! It doesn't have to cost a lot.
I hope that is inspiring to anyone who thinks that they have to spend a fortune for a wedding and successful marriage. You don't!
A grand expensive wedding doesn't make the marriage any better. It may be nice - but it isn't in any way essential. Often a cheaper and smaller wedding is a much better idea. It's a lot less worry financially and a lot less stressful.
I like to think of the following metaphor:
If the marriage was an important possession in your life - a gift - then the wedding is only the wrapping paper. The wrapping may look impressive - but it ends up in the bin. Gone. The marriage is the gift. The marriage is what is truly important.
Weddings are over in a day. Marriages will hopeful last for the rest of your life. Keep this in mind. The big picture.
So, how much do weddings cost these days?
Well, in Australia, the average wedding now costs around $50,000 - including a honeymoon.
In Australia, the average number of guests is 96.
According to Bride to be magazines the average wedding costs - $30,000, engagement and wedding rings cost - $7000, the honeymoon costs - $7000, and pre-wedding parties cost - $4000.
In the USA the average wedding, not including rings, honeymoon or pre-wedding parties, is $27,000. Although, apparently that varies with different states and different cities. In New York the average adding cost is - $65,000.
In the USA - the average number of guests is significantly higher than in Australia. It is ~ 175 guests.
Another interesting statistic worth considering as well, when contemplating weddings and expenditure:
In Australia - around 43% of marriages end in divorce (January '13 statistic).
The rate of divorce for 2nd marriages is slightly higher than for first marriages.
The median duration of a marriage to separation is 8.6 years; and the median duration of marriage to divorce is 12.2 years.
In Australia ~ 50% of the population over 15 years of age is married. The median age of men in a first marriage is 29.7 years and for women is 28 years (January '13 statistic).
Different countries have different rates of divorce.
In the USA and Canada - the divorce rate is ~ 50%.
In countries like Spain,Japan and italy - the divorce rate is significantly lower at ~ 20%.
Reasons given for divorce include:
1. Relationship problems
2. Growing apart
3. They had hoped things would change - but they didn't
4. Infidelity
5. Personality problems (alcohol, violence)
6. External pressures (work, in-laws, illness)
7.Other reasons not specified above
Factors predicting "satisfied marriage partners" and a successful marriage (based on the results of a number of research studies):
- similar in religion, education, socio-economic status, and age
- 20 years or older at the time of marrying
- had been in a relationship for at least 6 months before marriage
- relationship with in-laws is warm and positive
- family of origin have a stable marital patterns
- financially secure
- good at conflict resolution
- not impulsive
- no children and no pregnancy until after the first year of marriage
Research shows the more of the above criteria you meet, the higher your chances of having a successful marriage.
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So what tips can I give from my own experience (which I hope may be a bit helpful) - from my own wedding and my own 25 year marriage.
I will try to make it brief - as I am painfully aware how painfully dull too many details of someone else's life can be (if we are just plain old people and not 'celebrities' that is).
My wedding:
- a beautiful but economical ceremony and reception for 60 guests in 1989 - total cost then ~ $1600. This was equivalent to less than two weeks intern pay!
My marriage:
- a 25 year marriage (and 28 years together) where I still adore my husband who is: my best friend, my work colleague, my business partner, co-parent of our four children … and my soul mate.
He's still the first person I want to see everyday and the last person I want to hug every night and, if I ever had any wonderful news or awful news or any news or a great joke which I needed to tell someone - it would be him I would look for - always. He's my best friend. We still talk to each other about all sorts of interesting things for at least an hour everyday. Not because we have to. But because he's my best friend and we never seem to run out of things to talk about.
I will also add that, like everyone else, my life has not been easy. Life is a challenge for all of us - and as such it takes a few skills and tips to survive it all with a marriage intact.
For example - our marriage has survived - many disagreements and arguments, the renovation of three houses, moving house three times, starting up a medical business of our own and building our own medical clinic, changing jobs and careers for both of us, money worries over the years, injuries, illnesses, a chronically ill child (who spent an entire year in a major hospital with 3 X ICU admissions - a story for another time), the traumas and stresses of parenthood … and so many other stresses and problems that are just a part of life.
So for a few tips of mine (I offer humbly and hope they might be helpful to someone out there in blog-land):
The wedding:
Economical - but lovely.
Firstly - we planned it ourselves in only four weeks while both working full time and with no help from our families (his family lived in Hobart and my parents were, and still are, estranged from me):
* The setting -
- wedding - a beautiful little church in the hills around Adelaide in the lovely suburb of Stirling.
- reception - a beautiful two story, century old mansion near to the church - with french doors leading our to sweeping verandahs where a jazz band played after the buffet dinner, and all set in extensive lush gardens. The caterers used the large industrial kitchen, on the premises, to heat and then served the guests at the buffet tables, plus drinks waiters served drinks in the gardens, during the reception, and in the large dining room. We had two bridesmaids and two groom's men.
So it wasn't an incredibly cheap wedding in the sense of being drab and dull with everyone bored and going hungry in ugly surroundings. It was beautiful - but economical - at the same time.
How so cheap ? (but lovely too):
* Venue for the reception - ours was owned by the Scouts. They rent it out by the weekend and use it for their own training 'things' and some other conferences. (I'm not a Scout - so I'm not sure exactly how they'd use such a lovely mansion which had just been through one million dollars of renovations before our wedding). It cost us ~ $200 for the whole weekend.
Negatives: we had to clean the place up ourselves the next day. But for the price and memories it was worth it.
No decorations - but it was so beautiful and the gardens were so lovely - decorations weren't needed.
I asked my brother-in-law about the venue - as he had been a Scout. So, using his name, I got the place with only three weeks notice. I'm not sure they would normally rent it out for a wedding, either. But I had connections.
My point: - think laterally for a venue.
Ask friends and colleagues, or look on line - for venues that are not typically used for weddings. Put the name 'wedding …' on anything and the price doubles or triples.
If you list things you want - room size, gardens, parking, close to wedding location etc - then think laterally and be prepared to decorate the place yourself a bit. See who you know - who may help you, as well.
* Caterers - we used a large but modestly priced (not elite) department store cafeteria (for us it was 'John Martins', a department store which no longer exists). They did weddings - and arranged staff to serve - quite economically. The food was our biggest cost - and it as worth it. We didn't scrimp on cost here - but we were also not too extravagant.
Buffet was cheaper for us too.
Caterers for your 'function', without using the word 'wedding' necessarily, can allow a better price and with good quality but simpler food as well - the cost will be reduced again. Food and drinks are one of the biggest costs.
Nice wine and beer was served - but we didn't show off with ridiculously priced alcohol. Just wine like Chardonnay and cold beer. Also, we didn't buy too much of it. Waiters served people - which probably slowed their consumption.
- The jazz band ~ $200. Well worth it. Bands are great value for weddings and quite cheap. We found ours before the internet was around. So it should be even easier today.
- My dress: Bought off the rack and on sale. It was an ankle length champagne colour 'evening gown' - rather than a 'wedding dress' - $110.
My bridesmaids made their own dresses - we all went shopping and bought the material together and the patterns - to match my dress. All 1920's dropped waist dresses - which suited the beautiful old mansion and the jazz band. An easy and romantic theme.
Be smart like that. A nice theme and colours - but not hugely expensive clothes. Let's be honest. No matter what you say - you and the bridesmaids will never wear these dresses again. Don't kid yourself that you will. You won't. I'd put money on that bet! So try not to overspend. You can look lovely in a less expensive dress. Not a cheap dress. Just not a ridiculously expensive one - which you will never again wear.
My bridesmaids paid for their own dresses and shoes. Target shoes - $20. Dress material ~ $20. They were my dear friends and we were all young - 23 years old - and relatively poor. They helped me.
- Gold ring - $80. Diamond engagement ring (no party or pre-wedding parties) - $400.
Why pay a fortune for rings?! As a doctor - I've long ago lost my 'original' wedding ring. Most doctors who work in the operating theatres lose their rings. We take them off, for surgery - to be sterile, and we put them in our scrubs pockets and then we lose them. We forget they're in the pocket - until we're driving home from the hospital. Bye bye ring. Surgeons tell me they go through lots of wedding rings. Not all through divorce. Only joking - it's through losing them in theatre.
I never even wear the minuscule diamond solitaire ring I bought for $400 - cheap even then. It got in the way at work with my sterile gloves, and I don't like jewellery much. I still have it … somewhere in a drawer.
Rings are symbols, as I explained. Why spend a fortune? It doesn't tell someone you love them anymore if it cost $80 or $80,000!
Lesson: Don't waste time showing off to people you don't like anyway. Your real friends won't care less about your ring or how expensive your material possessions are. They like you. They hope your marriage is lovely - not necessarily your ring.
* Honeymoon. We had none. OK. A honeymoon would have been nice - but we planned our wedding in only four weeks and we didn't even bother with a formal engagement. We'd been together almost three years and we just knew we'd get married one day. The decision to actually get married was so our friends from my intern year could all come - before we all scattered off to different cities the next resident year. We got married just before Christmas.
We were back at work on the Monday. Not a great idea - but we had a delayed 'honeymoon' later in the year.
I think a honeymoon is a lovely idea - just not too expensive.
Remember - a lovely beach or pool or restaurants and walks together could be just as nice spent fairly locally.
Nice food, walks, conversation and fun - doesn't necessarily improve with terribly expensive hotel rooms or overseas locations.
You can choose to have fun together no matter where you are. The events and the people are more important than the location in the world.
* Wedding car. We just got one single white rental car - which my father-in-law drove - for my bridesmaids and me. My husband, David, and everyone else drove their own cars. This way we got to have photos of my girlfriends and I getting out of our new white car. David was in the church - so who cares what car he arrived in.
If the reception is near-by, then driving there is not really an issue either.
*Photos - we bought mostly only the small photos with only a few of the large, expensive ones for mantle picture-frames. And we had a 'work experience' video camera person to film the event. All of this captured the day very nicely - and economically.
Also, get at least three quotes. Prices vary wildly!
* Flowers - 3 bouquets only - for my bridesmaids and me, which we later put on our reception table in lieu of any table flowers. We bought no other flowers.
Our church already had flowers, from an earlier wedding. Yet, even if it didn't - I wouldn't have bought more flowers for the church. Churches are often lovely just as they are.
Our little church was like something out of 19th century England. It was pretty and quaint. The church was shaded by majestic pines, and it was surrounded by a pretty sweeping lawn with, further out, longer grass through which tiny blue and white flowers were sprinkled. Surrounding all this, like a picture on a christmas card, was a low white picket fence.
Who needs flowers? Also, in our church - the sunlight filtering in through the stained glass windows gave the old church interior more than enough colour and atmosphere.
It's all in the eye of the beholder. You can choose to see the natural, and free, beauty around … and not feel you need to constantly buy beauty and loveliness.
So … in summary to save money:
- keep it simple.
- invite people who are important to you - not everyone you've ever met.
- The dress could be an evening dress instead of a wedding dress.
- Think laterally for the reception. Be creative and use venues that may not necessarily be used for weddings. Ask friends.
- Create your own traditions. Some traditions are lovely - wedding rings, bouquets, wedding cake - but do them economically. You still have them.
- Our interstate guests paid their own way to our wedding. They were family. They wanted to be there.
- Don't make the wedding about impressing people and showing off the expense of it all.
Focus on a lovely time with friends and family to celebrate a marriage. Similar to the way that you might plan a stylish party for another important occasion - such as an anniversary.
I think in times gone by - this was more the approach taken by people: friends, family, neighbours, Sunday best dress, cake and wine and laughter and love … with no $50,000 bill to worry about when the party's over. Just a marriage to start.
One of my patients went to a very elaborate and expensive wedding in Port Douglas, Queensland, for his niece's wedding a couple of years ago. The couple and their guests flew up there from Adelaide. The wedding had taken over a year to plan and arrange. No expense was spared. The couple had been cohabiting for a number of years, before the wedding, and they already had two small children.
The couple are now divorced - less than two years after the wedding - which they are still paying off.
What a waste of money! And what a shame. Ironic if the money worries from the wedding contributed to their divorce.
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The marriage:
My tips for a long and happy marriage (after 25 years in mine) - through the rough seas that life will be for all of us at times:
*Marry someone you can be friends with.
Consider the list I wrote earlier - similar interests, education, values etc. And make sure you know your fiancé well.
So don't rush into a wedding.
- Remember a friend is someone you can - trust, care about, and rely on to help you if you need them. A friend is someone you enjoy being with for: many conversations - silly and serious - over the next few decades; for fun times and travel and adventures through your lives.
Think of the qualities you love in your best friend(s). They are likely the qualities to look for in a life partner.
* Don't ever marry for money.
It's been said that if you marry for money - you earn every cent. As explained in an earlier blog - psychology studies show that money only brings increasing happiness up to a fairly low maximum amount, ~ $100,000/year. Beyond this - increased wealth has not been shown to make people happy. I can't think of any material possession I would prefer to my family. Other than coffee. (I'm joking!)
*Don't marry someone - with a plan to change them. You can't change other people. It is hard enough to try and change ourselves - let alone anyone else. If you couldn't live with them as they are now - then reconsider the marriage.
*Arguments:
People who say they never argue are either lying or they're not communicating.
However, in an argument - stick to the topic. As listed above, successful marriages require good 'conflict resolution' abilities. Work on that. Be respectful to each other in a disagreement. Always.
If, in anger, you think that you'll say something hurtful to your partner which you'll likely regret later, then stop. Leave the argument. Take ten breaths or go out for a walk and cool off. Get rid of your frustration and anger - before you get back to discuss the topic of the argument.
Plan an argument like you would a business or work meeting. Look for a mutually acceptable compromise in the solution options to the problem. Be respectful to each other - as you would be to a work colleague or your boss. Stick to the topic of the argument. Don't have a right fight. It isn't all about winning.
You could win the battle (fight) - but lose the war (your marriage).
It's not about 'winning'. It's about communicating and listening and solving a problem. With your friendship intact afterward.
You can be angry. Say that. But don't be mean to each other. You can't un-ring a bell. Be careful what you say - as once cruel words are spoken - you can't take them back. Memories of mean things you say to each other - will persist long after you forget what the argument had been about.
*Money:
Have goals. Don't live above your means. Compromise. Don't try to impress other people with your material possessions. The people likely to be impressed by those things are people you probably don't like anyway. Be a team with your spouse and see your goals as one would in a business. Economical.
For example a goal may be to buy a house. Work out the details: number of bedrooms, suburb, and so forth. Work out on paper what you can afford and how you'll pay it off. What deposit you'll need. Allow for maternity leave and part time work, in the future, if you hope to be a mother.
Assume, as a mum, you won't be working full time. Trust me. You almost certainly won't work full time when your children are young (pre-schoolers) and you'll probably want the option to choose if you later work full time or not, or even whether or not you go back to work at all. So allow for that in the house loan you take out.
Also - give each other some spending money - within that 'budget'. A chance to have a bit of fun with your money as well. A bit of reckless, frivolous spending occasionally. Bend or you may break with budgeting.
Actually, I hate the word budget. I think a 'budget' is where you act like a tight arse for two weeks and then dump the whole idea - like a diet gone wrong - and have a big spending binge. You then feel guilty about blowing the budget, become miserable and feel like a failure, have a big fight with each other and/or use retail therapy to get over it. I can see it all now. I've been there.
Rather, I've found it's better to pay your mortgage first, or put money into an account which you can't touch, for your house deposit or other financial goals you have - so it's like you never even had that money. Then you can just spend what's left over - after all the essential house-hold bills are paid.
Also - a second hand or 'non-luxury' car and a good public school will save you money. Save money wherever you can. Don't try to impress other people with things you own.
The book: Millionaire Next Door by research psychologist Dr Thomas J Stanley - is a great read on this topic. A good present for newly weds!
*Communication:
Talk everyday. Be friends. Be respectful and kind to each other - as you would be to any other good friend. If you need to discuss an important topic, or if you're angry about something - plan a time to sit down and discuss things. A time when you're both not too angry or too rushed. Listen to each other and stick to the topic of the discussion - with a goal to find a solution which you are both OK with. This will usually require compromise.
Also - have a sense of humour. So many things - don't matter.
I'll say that again: So many things in life just don't really matter.
If you break a glass, or forget someone's birthday, or spoil a rug - it isn't the end of the world.
Few things in life really matter. Put things into perspective. Many of these things are not worth an argument over. They are truly not worth fighting over.
On one's deathbed - many people realise how trivial the things were that they fought about. Life is short. Choose your arguments carefully.
Allow for each other to not being perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Even you. See the big picture.
* Don't take each other for granted.
Respect again. I like to make David a cup of coffee or give him a hug and tell him a funny story. I respect his goals and hobbies and try to support him in those things. For example - I attend boring jazz evenings with him. He likes jazz. Tears stream down my face as I stifle my yawns at the end of a long day working - while I sit in a cold and dark jazz club. I tell him that I don't mind going at all.
He goes on walks with me in the Adelaide botanical gardens. He sits with me as we watch ducks on the lake, and clouds drifting by overhead, and we drink hot coffee and chat in the sun while we sit on the soft, cool grass. You can tell I love those tranquil afternoons. But I doubt David always does. I know that he'd often rather be doing his computer programming. But still he comes with me - because I want him to.
These are small things too. David and I have both made big sacrifices in our careers and in our lives - for each other. For us. For our family … together. We choose us over careers and many other things in life. Although we support each other as much as we can in our chosen interests and jobs and our individual dreams. We prioritise us over most other things - if we have to make a choice.
* Don't expect your partner to make you happy.
No-one can 'make' someone else happy. That is your job - to make yourself happy and content in your life. It is never up to other people. Just as it isn't your job to make other people happy.
But don't just automatically blame your partner or your marriage for all of the unhappiness 'in your life - in general'. Unless, of course, you're in an abusive relationship - and that is entirely different.
But, if you just feel discontent with your life - then be specific about which area is causing you the most disappointment or unhappiness - and then 'problem-solve' to find specific solutions. Your partner may be part of a solution - to help you with your goals and dreams.
Happy and content individuals often make happy couples. Find hobbies you enjoy. Change your job if you hate it. Train or study for another job, if you want to.
Learn to be mindful of happy experiences: sun on your face, a soft breeze on your skin and blowing your hair, a lovely story you read, a cup of hot coffee, a beautiful view. Find joy in the little things. That is where happiness will mostly be found. The day to day.
Also be mindful of the good things in your marriage. Don't take them for granted. Remember the happy times and the lovely qualities in your partner. Remember these things especially during the hard times. Those thoughts and feelings will pull you together. Keep you together.
Everyday, and many times each day, I think of all the little things I love about David. When I'm driving I think about his funny stories, and I think about some of our lovely adventures - even from when we were young and travelling, or scrambling up hills to eat Chinese take-away and watch the city lights on a Friday night, the motor-bike trips we took … and so many lovely memories over the years.
And I remind myself everyday - how lucky I am that I married my best friend.
People say marriage takes work - but so does your job, and being a parent, and maintaining your fitness and health, and anything worthwhile in life.
You get out of life, and your marriage, what you put into it. And it is well worth the effort.
Although that all sound 'lovely' - my parents had an awful marriage. So, I do know that for some marriages - divorce is a very good idea. Some marriages are unhappy and dysfunctional and better ending.
My parents fought each other regularly - with the police often called to intervene. They fought almost everyday and they spent weeks not talking to each other.
So, in some situations, especially where violence is involved, or where a couple is very unhappy together and they've tried counselling and given the issue a lot of thought - divorce may be the best thing.
It is worth making one point very clear: if one partner is being abused in any way - then that is never OK. All people deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and kindness. Abuse is also never a victim's fault. Any form of abuse within a marriage, or any relationship, is always a situation where the victim of abuse needs to get away. Leave or divorce or whatever it takes to find safety and respect in their life. If anyone was contemplating marrying an abusive person - thinking that they could change them - I can say, after 25 years as a medical doctor, you can't change these abusive people and you should not marry such a person but run away - very fast. Everyone deserves to be safe and loved in their life.
For everyone else, not in abusive relationships , I wish you all every happiness in your marriages and, for those planning a wedding, I wish you the best for a lovely wedding day.
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I hope everyone has a lovely week - filled with good coffee, sunshine, walks in gardens, laughs with friends, and interesting conversations.
I'm a bit late with this blog … as the weather has been too beautiful in Adelaide, over the last fortnight, to be inside.
For example, this afternoon - Sunday, my husband, David, and our four children went on a lovely walk in the Adelaide foothills among the most beautiful Autumn leaves. The weather was 23 C - prefect for hiking. We saw golden butterflies along our trail, and a Koala in a tree overhead, and a lovely little creek running between boulders in the gully, a red-amber vineyard on a hillside - which reminded me of those lovely calendar-pictures of Tuscany, and, as we walked up the hills, we could see across the city to the ocean, with the dazzling sunlight glimmering on the water.
Following our walk, we finished the afternoon with hot coffee, cokes, cakes and conversation - alfresco style. A lovely warm and tranquil Autumn afternoon. The kind of afternoon that will become one of my favourite memories.
Bliss.
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A joke (relating to the Psychology comment that you can't change other people):
Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The light bulb has got to want to change first.
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Next week I will write a short story of fiction - relating to the blog topic - weddings
PS: If you liked this blog or found it helpful - please let others know - they might find it helpful or just a nice read.
